After two weeks in the cabin the dogs and I moved into the campground with a tent trailer. Even though the trailer was heated it was still cold with the spring snowstorms and wind. We spent the next two and a half weeks anticipating the time we could move to our new home. April was spent with endless meetings with my lawyer, trying to work out issues and agreements with my soon to be ex-spouse, and of course working.
I did manage to spend some time with my children during this hectic time. We would go out for part of the day, have lunch, and talk about the situation and the future. I am anxious for the day they can spend a few days at a time with me in our new home.
Finally, it's moving day! After snowing the past few days it is a warm, sunny spring day. The current tenants are finishing their move this morning and we can move in later this morning.
It has been a LONG, frustrating month legally and emotionally. My soon to be ex-wife has tried to pack my bags many times for a "guilt trip", but I've not left for the trip. To her frustration, I've kept her focused on the issues that are specific to completing the divorce and moving forward with our healing and starting our new life journeys.
She of course has gyrated from the extremes of oozing with "love and sweetness" to "rampaging b*tch" bent on revenge, control, and punishment. This has been a "normal" condition through much of our marriage, but it has intensified after she determined I was serious this time about NOT coming back.
Twice in 1995, I had moved out when she refused to get serious about resolving the issues in our relationship. Just to get her to the counselor I would have to give her the choice of seeing the counselor or if she wasn't serious about our relationship it would be the lawyer to end it. Both times in 1995 she begged and pleaded for me to return to my "loving family" and that we'd work things out in our relationship. Both times I returned, but it was more attributed to the fact that I wasn't ready to leave my children yet.
I knew the way the new laws had been written, observing other people going through divorce, and her mindset, she would use the access to my children as a weapon for control, punishment, and revenge. The system would empower her and support her in this effort of "judicial kidnapping". In return she would "prostitute" herself as their "poster child" and my children would be used as the "justification" for their actions. They would get nothing in return except heartache, bitterness, broken parent/child bonds, and emotionally/mentally injured until they were fortunate enough to get help to work through the issues.
Currently, my insurance covered counseling, but my soon to be ex-wife refused to have the "stigma" of "her" (not our) children in counseling. She was a psychology major and could "handle" all our children's needs - never mind she had serious needs of her own.
I had used the tables provided by the court and had calculated the amount of child support that would be ordered. It would be a couple of months before we got to our first hearing so I added $300-400 to the calculated amount, paid everyone's health, dental, and vision expenses, all deductibles and non-covered expenses, and of course all the "extra" last minute that children seem to come up with.
We would have to sell the house even though I offered to sign my portion over to her. With her current job, she couldn't qualify for the loan unless she had her mother cosign with her - something she didn't want to "bother" her mother with. That's an issue we'd address later this month.
Later that evening I moved the last load of everything into our "new" home. I was tired and hungry so the dogs and I went to get something to eat. I'd go shopping tomorrow. I have another meeting with my lawyer Friday and I'm suppose to talk with my spouse Friday evening to work some more issues out and set up a time to have the children over for some overnight visitations. They wanted to come up to the campground and spend a few nights with me, but mom didn't like that idea - it might be fun and forbid they have a relationship with dad. This had been the status quo for years - She viewed parenting as a "popularity/control" contest. She wanted all the control and popularity, and did all she could to interfere with my relationship with our sons. In her opinion I was suppose to work and earn the money and she was suppose to control everything.
Each week in April I had at least two meetings a week with the lawyer. He was burning through the retainer and wanted more money. The only thing he had done was file the divorce and required paperwork, served the divorce papers on my soon to be ex-wife, and rehashed the same issues at each meeting. I now had moved him to a once a week meeting at most. I just got his first bill and he has charged me for paper clips, pencils, copies, time on the phone, and other frivolous charges.
One charge he has repeatedly made is for his time on the phone. He would call and leave a voice mail with a question that was already in a file I had left that he didn't want to open or he had taken down in his notes during a conference. Sometimes he would ask the same question multiple times. Each time he would charge me for 15 minutes of time even though the total time was less than 3 minutes.
When we meet Friday he will be backing out the charges and ONLY charge for "legitimate" charges. Also, I will be dropping copy paper, paper clips, staples, pencils, tape, and other items off. It is cheaper for me to provide them than to get hit with his inflated charges.
Every time we meet I wipe the smile off his face when he asks if my wife has a lawyer. I found out later that lawyers aren't happy if they aren't sucking money out of their clients. The best way to do that is another lawyer to fight with. A divorce is already a highly charged situation and the system just makes it worse with the current processes in order to justify their existence and secure their incomes and positions.
Many people think the "injustice" system is about truth, justice, fairness, application of the law, etc. What I was discovering is that its just a "system" for making money and creating employment - its a very broken system if it's measured in actual "service and deliverables" to the clients.
If we are truly interested in a "system" that works better than what is currently in place, the courts and lawyers should be the last groups involved in the last phases of the divorce process and only have proportional involvement according to the needs of the situation.
Our system of "injustice" has its roots in the British, "adversarial" design that requires that one side is a winner and the other a loser. The premise is the strongest side (assumed to be the good/right/truth) will be the victor. In a divorce everyone is a loser, but in the current legal environment the dad has already been the "designated big loser". The determination that has yet to be made by the court is how much (usually everything) and for how long (the rest of your life if they can).
I'm having a hard time understanding why the counselor thinks this is a good path, but staying in this toxic relationship is not a good choice ether. It's a dark road, but I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel - or is that the "deadbeat express" coming down the track driven by my soon to be ex-wife?
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| What Is That Light At The End Of The Tunnel - Hope OR Something Else?? |
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