UnFamily Law 101 - 4/1/96

As it turns out, my children didn't want me to take all the animals so I left our cat for them. They had grown very attached to our Shelties, but I had caught my soon to be ex-wife physically abusing them and had warned her the next time I would file a complaint with the police for animal cruelty. She hated dogs worse than cats, but for the most part our cat stayed out of the way in the children's room when he was inside and spent part of his time outside. With the children so protective of him it seemed he would be safer than the dogs.

It started out as a turbulent, hectic morning with more degrading, threatening calls from my soon to be ex-wife on my voice mail.  I have taken most of the week off to take care of legal matters and try to get things settled down as much as possible.  I'm on the way to see the lawyer for the first in person conference.  I had to leave my dogs in the cabin, but they're housebroken and I left paper in the corner if they need to go.  They sensed the tension and unhappiness and tried to comfort me with understanding thoughts and stares through the night and this morning.  I didn't sleep well in spite of the peaceful location in the mountains.

I had researched the matter and after a discussion with my spouse thought I had her agreement to a non-contested divorce using one lawyer to take care of the legal paperwork and advise us of any details that needed our attention.  If this could remain uncontested we could complete the divorce after the 90 day waiting period and then all of us could move past this turbulent time into a period of healing and rebuilding our new lives.  According to the counselors, this was the best path for all of us, especially the children.  According to my personal experience with this as a young preteen it was a very traumatic experience.  I was sure with the support of both parents and help from counselors we could eventually help our children through these tough times.

Then came the reality check at the lawyer's office.  These pictures capture the events that unfolded during my first visit and only got worse as the years progressed.

A host of new laws had been introduced by special interest groups from all types of supporters and were still being defined concerning divorce and child support.  All the laws claimed to "put the children first".  For more than 14 years I've heard this mantra from the supporters and benefactors of the perverse UnFamily court, the lawyers in the system, Support Enforcement, and those that sacrifice their children to the system as an offering to be accepted into the "guild of thieves, liars, and hypocrites".  What I've learned is that "justice" is truly "blind" - It turns a blind eye to the violations of the law by the judges, lawyers, Support Enforcement, special interest groups, and the patrons (usually the mothers) that sell their "soul" and "sacrifice" their children in exchange for a "drink" from the foul cup of extortion, slavery, impoverishment, wrongful conviction of "crimes" not committed, slander and liable, judicial kidnapping, imposition of an unreasonable sentences, and if there is a second family the passing of the same punishment on them.

The main benefactors are the system, gaining tax dollars (funds) to expand their "domain" and power, the companies servicing the Support Enforcement contracts (you didn't think those were state workers did you? - NO! They're a contracted collection agency - PSI being the largest), and of course the custodial parent which in the large majority of the cases is mom.  Forbid Dad is qualified or given custody - he's just not equipped according to the "experts" and special interest groups.

I had created what seemed to be an objective proposal to cover all the areas - separation of property, visitation and parental responsibilities, child support, medical and dental support, possible maintenance although I was more in favor of paying more to child support, support of counseling for all parties, disposal of our house and the redistribution of any profits - most of it going to my spouse to help house our children, and a whole host of other items.  The lawyer looked the proposal over and just laughed.

"You truly don't have a clue about this do you".  Red flags went up, I didn't like the sound of that.  I asked him to explain, but first he wanted the name of my spouse's lawyer.  "She doesn't have one", I replied as more red flags went up.  I was getting a very bad feeling about the situation.  My lawyer perked up when he heard my response and said, "we should strike quickly before she gets one!".  I stopped him in his tracks and explained she doesn't need one and this is to be a non-contested divorce.  We just needed him to take care of the legal paperwork, review our proposals we would submit to the court for items the court may disagree with and alter, and to guide us through the process.  He was not to speak directly to my spouse, I would be the mediator with all issues - I didn't want an "incident" because of something he said.  The situation was already volatile enough and I didn't need a third party screwing things up.

I had dampened his "spirit" with setting the terms and conditions.  Not giving up, my lawyer told me, "look, this is a time of temporary insanity.  I'm here to help you through this time so just leave everything up to me, trust me, and I'll get you through this!".  Right, right, I thought - just trust this lawyer with my life and my family - that's a no brainer.  Snapping back I told him, "I take care of myself and I certainly wouldn't trust a lawyer with my life and future WITHOUT my close supervision.  I'm the paying customer here and I'm telling you what services I want.  If you can't or are unwilling to provide them I will go elsewhere."

Taken aback, my lawyer told me, "nobody has talked to me like that!  I have the legal training and know the law, but if you insist I'll honor your request.  Here's a list of items I need for our next meeting in two days to complete the initial paperwork and calculations.  See my receptionist to make an appointment."  I looked at the two page list and thought maybe I should take the entire week off.  I'm going to have to dig through all the boxes in my storage shed to find these.  As I left, my lawyer told me to think about what he said and perhaps I would see things differently next time.  I set my next appointment and stopped by my storage shed.  Fours hours later I emerged with all the required paperwork and locked the door.

I was hungry, maybe some Popeye's chicken would hit the spot.  It was getting late and I had a 45 minute drive back to the cabin.  My pager went off letting me know I had gotten another voicemail.  I was around the corner from work, maybe I could sneak in and check my messages undetected - I was detected and got hung up with more messages from my soon to be ex-wife and questions from some co-workers.

Finally, I got out of work and headed to the cabin without my Popeye's - I'd eat some food at the cabin.  The dogs had been cooped up for almost 8 hours.  I envisioned dog pee and poop all over the cabin.  I had left water and dry food in their bowls.  I was suppose to have time off to recompose myself and regroup - things just weren't turning out "right".

It was dark and cold when I arrived at the cabin.  When I had left, my dogs were on my winter sleeping bag on the bed.  I opened the door to the cabin and found them hiding under the bed - something they did when they were in trouble or had done something they knew they weren't suppose to do.  I figured they had relieved themselves in the cabin.  I took them out and apologized to them for being so long.  When they were done, we went in and ate.  I looked all over the cabin and didn't find one drop of pee or dog poop.  I couldn't figure out why they were acting so "guilty".

We spent a little time in front of the fire "talking" and enjoying our time together.  I was tired and ready for bed.  I opened the sleeping bag and found dog poop on my pillow.  I noticed the bottom of my sleeping bag was soaked with dog pee.  I looked at my dogs and they hung their guilty heads down, bodies shaking.  I laughed at the message - they were "pissed off" that I took so long and weren't going to take this "sh*t" any more.  I got the message and promised I wouldn't do it again.  I set the bag aside, stoked up the fire and dug out some blankets.  We all drifted off to sleep watching the flames dancing on the wall.

My lawyer on that rare occasion had spoken words of truth, I truly didn't have a clue about the situation, issues, special interests, or the destructive path that we had taken.  Looking back, as damaging as the act is to all parties to break up a family, the corrupt and perverse system reeks more total chaos, havoc, destruction, horrors, and cataclysmic destruction than the act of the break up.  Worse yet, the system is set up as a "profit" center for this most darkest events to happen in your life and does so for the rest of your life.

ARTICLES:

Stealing The Minds of Our Children

Why is Daddy in Jail?

Man Jailed For Not Supporting Child That Wasn't His

Terms of Estrangement

Georgia Child Support Unconstitutional

Tennessee Child Support Unconstitutional

Journey of a Thousand Miles - 3/1/96

I have recovered from my "illness" and have returned back to work with the help of my doctor.  At first, the doctor wanted to hospitalize me under protective custody to allow for my recovery.  I'm not fond of doctors or hospitals and have always taken care of the majority of my medical needs myself during my life so I declined.  Worried about my "life expectancy" when I returned home he told me that for the next 3-5 days while I was in the critical stage of recovery he was going to call every two hours and had to speak with me.  It couldn't be the wife or the children it had to be me.  If he didn't or wasn't allowed to speak with me he was going to get a court order and with the police remove me from the situation and place me in protective custody in the hospital.  Much to the annoyance of my wife the doctor followed through with the calls.

Not only was she annoyed with the fact he called every two hours, but she was annoyed that someone else knew that our family had a problem. There goes the image she worked so hard to portray - Happy Family, All is Fantastic, Couldn't Be Better!  Throughout the years of counseling she could never admit or face the truth that we had serious, but possibly resolvable issues with our relationship, our family and ourselves.

Still to this day, she ignores these problems and displays many symptoms of multiple, serious mental and emotional disorders that have impeded any positive resolution to anything.  Worst of all, this avenue of denial has caused extensive and serious emotional and mental damage to our children.

In addition to the doctor calling, my parents had tried to reach me for over three weeks during the critical time of my "illness".  Being unable to reach me at work or home they grew very concerned that something serious was happening.  When we did finally speak they told me they were at the point of having the police check up on me since they knew how critically unstable things were at home.  I had spoken to my manager and a few co-workers a couple of times during my "illness", but everything was foggy and still is today.

Before I literally crawled into the doctor's office, things were so blurry I thought I had only been "sick" a few days - I was shocked to discover it had been three weeks.  The only thing I remember about that time was endless pain and suffering and only being able to sleep about five minutes at a time because of the pain.  I usually only get ill about once every ten years and then it's intense for a day or two. After I recover, I'm good for another ten years.  The other thing about the entire experience that has been etched in my very being is my experience with death - twice in two days - that's for another blog.

I don't claim to have conquered all my issues, but I have worked progressively since I sought help in 1993 to understand, acknowledge, and resolve my issues.  It's not easy and many times a struggle just to admit and face some of the darker issues, but only then can you move forward in the chosen direction to overcome the issues.  My ex-wife, still to this day, believes that she has no issues or problems - "it's everybody else that has the problem".  During one of our counseling sessions, she stood up, pointing her finger at me, and declared that, "she was just here to support me and that she didn't have any problems."

Shortly after that session, when the counselor was getting too close to her "deep dark secrets", she aborted any further sessions as she had done with two other counselors over the past couple of years.  Not long after that, she decided that I was an "issue" that needed to be "resolved", thus my "illness" manifested itself.  By "resolving" the "issue" she would gain total control of all the money, property, and children.  I would no longer hamper her lifestyle and her worship of her Gods - money, power, control, social status, and image. 

As one counselor advised, "One person can only resolve their issues, it will take both spouses and the entire family to resolve all the issues.  The first positive step to resolving any issue is to honestly acknowledge its existence and understand the role each of you contribute to the issue.  Until this happens the issue will remain unresolved."  Looking back it seems to be an obvious statement.

It was Friday and one of my few close friends invited me to lunch.  She and her husband had also been concerned that I had been out of touch for so long.  They too had knowledge of my volatile home environment and knew something must be seriously wrong.  As we caught up and discussed the situation my friend offered one of their rental homes that would be available in May as a place of refuge and a new beginning.  I accepted the offer, but I had to figure out what I was going to do until then.  I no longer felt safe when I went home and I spent as little time as possible there or at least in the presence of my soon to be ex-wife.  I refused to sleep in the same room with her and anytime I did sleep I had a handgun and a knife within reach or in my hand.  Luckily, I'm a very light sleeper and can instantly go from a deep sleep to an fully awake, alert, and standing position.

If I was a woman I could always go to the shelter and there were many agencies dedicated to helping women out of dangerous situations at home, but if you are a man there is nothing.  Just trying to get the police and courts to provide you a measure of protection against a woman, especially a wife and mother.  Even fresh from a "near death" incident with documentation it is next to impossible.  In some states, it's not even possible because they don't view women as being able to commit violent crimes or felonies - that's the domain of a man.

This was not the first time I had decided to leave.  I had started this long journey twice in 1995 only to have my soon to be ex-wife decide I was serious.  Using her chameleon wiles and her knowledge of my psyche, she played upon the rampant emotions of having to leave my home and children to coax me to abandon my journey and return to my "loving family".  She employed the children as the porters to help pack and carry my "bags" for an emotional guilt trip.  I was not prepared enough to take this journey, so under the positive promises of my soon to be ex-wife and the long faces and guilt laden, manipulative remarks that had been provided to my children by their mother, I was unable to leave.

This was a path our family needed to take, a path of separation and the establishment of new lives to end the toxic relationships that existed in our family.  From the counselors evaluations, since my soon to be ex-wife was unwilling to work through any of the issues much less acknowledge them, the ONLY choice we had was to go our separate ways and establish our new lives and households.  Down this path we could all heal and move forward past this painful part of our lives.  Our last counselor, the one that had predicted my death if I didn't take a different path, told us that in his 18 years of practice ours was the "most toxic relationship he had ever seen".

Over the weekend I looked for solutions for temporary housing in the form of a camping trailer and found one.  Early the next week I found that the company I worked for had cabins in the nearby mountains  Employees could use the cabins for up to two weeks a year and the campground could be used all year with a self-contained trailer.  The property was located above 10,000 feet and the Spring snow was still falling - that might be an issue.  Even though the cabins and campgrounds had no running water or power at the sites it was at least a backup plan in case things got really bad at home.  I also had to make plans for my best friends and companions - my two shelties and our cat.  My soon to be ex-wife hated all animals except pigeons.

As expected, she caught wind of my preparations and an intense conflict ensued that lasted many days.  Finally, she left a note one day telling me I could have the house while she and the children would find another place to live.  If I could "manage" to give her $1200 per month they would get by.  I didn't respond to the note and over the next week she tried to alter my course with specially prepared "bags" for my next guilt trip presented with "love" from my children.  If I followed the "string" I would find the "biggest" one that would be presented by my soon to be ex-wife.

What she didn't realize was that I had a support group of friends, family, and a counselor.  I also had tremendous motivation provided my recent experience with a death she invoked and the realization that after sixteen years of doing all I could, giving my all, tolerating endless mental, emotional, and physical abuse, that NO MATTER how much I did or gave it would NEVER be enough and she would NEVER be happy or satisfied.  One of the "pieces" of the puzzle I was given helped me to understand that first one has to be happy and content with one's self and nothing external could create this state.  It was something each of us has to discover and gain.

Another puzzle "piece" was to understand how emotionally handicapped we all are in our society.  We are born into a needy, incomplete society - it's transmuted to us from birth until death unless we overcome the handicap.  It's in our culture, stories, songs, advertising, psyche, news, conversations, paintings - everywhere!  We hear of someone making someone else complete - "lost without your love", people being alone and lonely, etc.  A person should be complete, satisfied, and a full person BEFORE they even think of entering into a relationship and altering another's life much less bringing children into the world and screwing up their lives.

I heard all sorts of BS growing up - "love will conquer all", "opposites attract", "make love, not war", "God can overcome all", "If you love each other then nothing else matters", etc.  It really gets down to a person having to understand themselves and reaching a balance in all things that they are comfortable with.  No ubiquitous, meaningless phrase is going to compensate the hollowness and neediness a person feels when they have not looked at themselves in critically objective manner and taken the journey to discover who they are and what they are.  With that knowledge they can set the next journey to where they want to be.  Some of these journeys take a lifetime.  When a person decides to journey with another it should be an effortless, burdenless one that doesn't take from ether companion, but it enhances each companion. 

With the current conflict reaching new levels of hostilities, my counselor and lawyer both encouraged me to move to a safe place.  Finally, the first of April I was able to secure a cabin for two weeks and I would spend the remaining weeks in the campground in the tent trailer.  Still, the Spring snows were falling and the temperatures at the site were in the low to mid-twenties.  I had secured a storage unit, paid for a room and meals for the weekend for my soon to be ex-wife and children.  I didn't want my children to have to endure the sight of their father packing up to leave and my soon to be ex-wife to interfere with my efforts to leave.  Still to this day, the most heart breaking memory I have was my youngest walking home from school, seeing me getting ready to move and screaming all the way to the house "NO! NO! NO! You can't leave again! Please don't leave again!"  He ran up to his room crying and of course this only raised the tensions between my soon to be ex-wife and I.  Playing up on the young one's dilemma she proceeded to create a very hostile scene.  Of course all the other children were upset.  I was almost at the point of my resolve melting away and accepting if I stayed I would face and embrace death again - this time not to return.  When I got my spouse calmed down enough I asked if she would take the children to dinner and check into the hotel tonight instead of the next day to help us all through this tough time.  She surprisingly agreed.

Saturday started out cloudy with the promise of snow.  Later in the day the large fluffy flakes fell slowly at first, then by evening they had gained tremendous momentum thanks to the wind that had arrived.  I stopped later that night and resolved to get up early Sunday and finish getting out.  I calculated I had only a few more trips and my soon to be ex-wife and the children were due back in the early afternoon.  The snow that had fallen during the night and that continued to fall during the morning hampered my efforts to complete the move, but I persisted.  I got the last load in the truck as the final hour approached to be out and left.  I still needed to grocery shop and purchase basics like eating utensils, plates, and cups.  After a stop by Albertsons and Wal-Mart I stopped by work to check my messages. Only a pay phone at the store five miles away was available at the cabin, but I had a company issued pager to notify me of messages.

I got my first of many degrading and threatening calls from my soon to be ex-wife accusing me of stealing money and other items that were hers.  When I spoke with her, it turned out she had put the money and items at a location she had forgotten about.  She had a habit of hiding and hording money.  In her neurotic insecurities, she would periodically move what ever she was hiding and later forget where she had put it. Furious, assuming I had found her hoard and stolen it, she would launch into one of her maelstroms that I had to weather.  Once I calmed her enough I would help her retrace her steps and locate the missing hoard.  We would have another round about why she was hoarding and hiding money - especially since she had access to all the money since she took care of the finances.  I was just a "walking paycheck" that earned the money.

With these issues resolved my dogs and I traveled to the cabin, ate dinner, and went to bed.  Tomorrow I would have another visit with the lawyer to have the divorce papers served and work out the draft proposal for the separation of property, visitation, custody, and other matters.  In taking this path I had no clue this journey would take me through the most heart breaking, turbulent, dangerous, degrading, and financially destructive journey a person could ever experience.  The greatest trauma would be caused by the process and system when it empowered my soon to be ex-wife to allow her to kidnap my children, obliterate my parent-child bond, and allowed her to alienate my children.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step - Confucius

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