I have pretty much settled into my new living space and have tried to continue with my "exercises" my counselor gave me to recover my identity. As I have discovered, my soon to be ex-wife is not only a manipulative control freak, but she is a serious boundary violator. She has no respect or sense of other people's personal space. I had no time to myself, no mail unopened, no phone call unmonitored, no wallet or portfolio rummaged through, no drawer unsearched, and no time or money spent that I didn't have to provide a detailed accounting for. These things were a regular activity for her. The worst part was any time spent with my children as father and son time never went without the "warden" monitoring our every movement and activity. Of course the "warden" had to voice her disapproval of the situation and make degrading remarks about how their father contributed to the "delinquency" of his sons.
Our situation didn't happen over night. It took over a decade and a half to get to this seriously dysfunctional relationship. Unknown to myself, I was her "project" to be molded and shaped into her idea of the "perfect" husband and father. The transition was so subtle it was like boiling frogs in water.
If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water he'll hop right out. If you place the frog in room temperature water and slowly raise the heat to boiling the frog ether won't notice or will notice too late because they are cold blooded. Likewise, if I had been told up front I was her "project" that needed to be "fixed" I would have jumped out of the pot. Instead, it was a subtle raising of the water temperature until it was too late.
The counselor helped me to see that I had been stripped of my identity, I truly couldn't answer his simple questions of what did I like to do for leisure, hobbies, sports, movies, books, etc. - at least not without her input. What were my views on any issues or how did I feel about certain situations. I had been stripped down to just going to work and busting ass for my family and doing anything else requested of me by my spouse. We aren't talking about a regular 40 hour work week. That wouldn't cut it for all the things she wanted. We're talking about a 60-80 hour work week and then all the extras at home for the "family". Since all paychecks were electronically deposited and she took care of the bills I NEVER saw my compensation for my efforts. This created a further disconnect and made me feel like I was on the squeaky hamster wheel of work.
This "program" started from the very beginning of our marriage when our first child came along in our first year. She didn't really want to work and we both felt it would be best for the children if their mother raised them. I was willing to take a second, full time job working 80 hours/week to do my part in our plan. Later it became evident that I was going to have to return to school to get a degree to earn something more than a starving wage with two full time jobs. For the next 3.5 years I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to school full time getting about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day. The last 2.5 years of school I had to drop back from full time job to 3/4 time and part time job because the classes were much harder and required more time. I still only got about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day. My spouse was able to get a part time job to make up the hours I wasn't working.
When we were done I had a B.S. in Computer Science/Engineering and an A.S. in Avionic Systems (Aviation Electronics). I also had worked about 6 years as an Electronic Technician so I not only had the book knowledge, but I had hands on applied knowledge.
I got a much better position and better pay, but I got back on the 60 hour work week hamster wheel. It took 3-5 years to "pay your dues" in my new field and advance to the next position and pay level. My spouse was very impatient and wanted the "big bucks" now. In order to comply I joined groups and projects that would advance my abilities and career at something more than "impulse power". In addition, I started working on my masters in computer Engineering. Of course I was also making sure I allocated time with my family - I thought I was suppose to get more time now that I'm out of the school grind? It seemed that I had less time and no time for myself.
After a period of time I got "lost" in the hamster wheel from the Twilight Zone and over a period of time I had lost touch of everything. All I knew was work, work, work, and more work. All I heard were demands, demands, demands and b*tch, B*tch, b*itch - no matter how hard I tried or how good it was done it was never enough or good enough.
What I figured out and learned later - both about the same time, that no matter how much I did, she would never be happy because she wasn't happy with herself. Even worse, she was programming the children with the same expectations and ideas.
Much to her annoyance the counselor made her back off and provided me with an environment to explore who I was and where did I want to go with my life. He set me on a course to regain my identify that had been striped from me over the many years by my soon to be ex-wife.
I restarted my new course shortly after I got settle in by going to a local celebration of the founding of a historic town near my new home. It was a cloudy day, but it was nice to get out and walk the streets that were lined with booths and listen to the music. After my dogs and I got back home I felt like a nap. We had a warm breeze blowing in the window and the sun had now appeared. I noticed lately I was taking a lot of naps. I didn't realize how much wear and tear all the years had on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Next week we would go on a camping trip and with any luck I could take my sons. That of course would depend on how things turned out with her new lawyer. My lawyer was finally happy because my soon to be ex-wife hired a lawyer shortly after she was served the divorce papers. Things weren't looking too good. In fact, it looked like anything we had worked out was now going to be reworked. My soon to be ex-wife and her lawyer were trying to use my time with the children as leverage to get me to agree to unreasonable/unrealistic conditions.
Even though this is illegal and in many states considered felony child abuse the system just "overlooks" the situation. I am determined to continue down this path. The longer I'm away from her the more I am able to see just how much control she had. When I'm shopping I still catch myself thinking of the justification I'll have to provide if I buy this item. Then I "slap" myself when I realize I'm not accountable to her and its none of her business. As long as I'm paying my support and helping to take care of my children all these other things are NONE of her business.
I have a VERY BAD feeling about all of this. Our first "temporary" orders hearing is set in a couple of months. I've seen other people I know get screwed over in these and the final orders hearings.
The other problem I'm having with my soon to be ex-wife is the new bags she's trying to pack for my next "guilt trip". I refuse to take it. One minute she's all "loving" and the next she's an evil B*tch bent on my suffering and extermination. Added to that she's trying to "guess" what was the one thing that set me off so I would "pack up and leave my loving family". She just doesn't get it - it's not just one thing - it's a multitude of things over the 15+ years. It's the fact that we both have to have "equal" footing and treat each other as "equals" to make this work out. I'm treated well below everyone else in the family, I'm just the "walking paycheck" slave that came from a "dysfunctional family" and have "NO clue on how to be a proper parent or husband". My place is at work making money - her place is at home eating bon-bons and controlling the money and the home/world.
Her plan as she described it to me was to "make my life so miserable that I'd come crawling back or if I didn't I'd be punished".
I only hope all this arguing between the lawyers will diminish and we'll get to negotiated solutions so we can have final orders in a few months not temporary orders. I know this is a lot to hope for, but I'm concerned about how much damage this is doing to our children. We need to get past this point quickly so we can move to more positive aspects.
Our situation didn't happen over night. It took over a decade and a half to get to this seriously dysfunctional relationship. Unknown to myself, I was her "project" to be molded and shaped into her idea of the "perfect" husband and father. The transition was so subtle it was like boiling frogs in water.
If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water he'll hop right out. If you place the frog in room temperature water and slowly raise the heat to boiling the frog ether won't notice or will notice too late because they are cold blooded. Likewise, if I had been told up front I was her "project" that needed to be "fixed" I would have jumped out of the pot. Instead, it was a subtle raising of the water temperature until it was too late.
The counselor helped me to see that I had been stripped of my identity, I truly couldn't answer his simple questions of what did I like to do for leisure, hobbies, sports, movies, books, etc. - at least not without her input. What were my views on any issues or how did I feel about certain situations. I had been stripped down to just going to work and busting ass for my family and doing anything else requested of me by my spouse. We aren't talking about a regular 40 hour work week. That wouldn't cut it for all the things she wanted. We're talking about a 60-80 hour work week and then all the extras at home for the "family". Since all paychecks were electronically deposited and she took care of the bills I NEVER saw my compensation for my efforts. This created a further disconnect and made me feel like I was on the squeaky hamster wheel of work.
This "program" started from the very beginning of our marriage when our first child came along in our first year. She didn't really want to work and we both felt it would be best for the children if their mother raised them. I was willing to take a second, full time job working 80 hours/week to do my part in our plan. Later it became evident that I was going to have to return to school to get a degree to earn something more than a starving wage with two full time jobs. For the next 3.5 years I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to school full time getting about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day. The last 2.5 years of school I had to drop back from full time job to 3/4 time and part time job because the classes were much harder and required more time. I still only got about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day. My spouse was able to get a part time job to make up the hours I wasn't working.
When we were done I had a B.S. in Computer Science/Engineering and an A.S. in Avionic Systems (Aviation Electronics). I also had worked about 6 years as an Electronic Technician so I not only had the book knowledge, but I had hands on applied knowledge.
I got a much better position and better pay, but I got back on the 60 hour work week hamster wheel. It took 3-5 years to "pay your dues" in my new field and advance to the next position and pay level. My spouse was very impatient and wanted the "big bucks" now. In order to comply I joined groups and projects that would advance my abilities and career at something more than "impulse power". In addition, I started working on my masters in computer Engineering. Of course I was also making sure I allocated time with my family - I thought I was suppose to get more time now that I'm out of the school grind? It seemed that I had less time and no time for myself.
After a period of time I got "lost" in the hamster wheel from the Twilight Zone and over a period of time I had lost touch of everything. All I knew was work, work, work, and more work. All I heard were demands, demands, demands and b*tch, B*tch, b*itch - no matter how hard I tried or how good it was done it was never enough or good enough.
What I figured out and learned later - both about the same time, that no matter how much I did, she would never be happy because she wasn't happy with herself. Even worse, she was programming the children with the same expectations and ideas.
Much to her annoyance the counselor made her back off and provided me with an environment to explore who I was and where did I want to go with my life. He set me on a course to regain my identify that had been striped from me over the many years by my soon to be ex-wife.
I restarted my new course shortly after I got settle in by going to a local celebration of the founding of a historic town near my new home. It was a cloudy day, but it was nice to get out and walk the streets that were lined with booths and listen to the music. After my dogs and I got back home I felt like a nap. We had a warm breeze blowing in the window and the sun had now appeared. I noticed lately I was taking a lot of naps. I didn't realize how much wear and tear all the years had on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Next week we would go on a camping trip and with any luck I could take my sons. That of course would depend on how things turned out with her new lawyer. My lawyer was finally happy because my soon to be ex-wife hired a lawyer shortly after she was served the divorce papers. Things weren't looking too good. In fact, it looked like anything we had worked out was now going to be reworked. My soon to be ex-wife and her lawyer were trying to use my time with the children as leverage to get me to agree to unreasonable/unrealistic conditions.
Even though this is illegal and in many states considered felony child abuse the system just "overlooks" the situation. I am determined to continue down this path. The longer I'm away from her the more I am able to see just how much control she had. When I'm shopping I still catch myself thinking of the justification I'll have to provide if I buy this item. Then I "slap" myself when I realize I'm not accountable to her and its none of her business. As long as I'm paying my support and helping to take care of my children all these other things are NONE of her business.
I have a VERY BAD feeling about all of this. Our first "temporary" orders hearing is set in a couple of months. I've seen other people I know get screwed over in these and the final orders hearings.
The other problem I'm having with my soon to be ex-wife is the new bags she's trying to pack for my next "guilt trip". I refuse to take it. One minute she's all "loving" and the next she's an evil B*tch bent on my suffering and extermination. Added to that she's trying to "guess" what was the one thing that set me off so I would "pack up and leave my loving family". She just doesn't get it - it's not just one thing - it's a multitude of things over the 15+ years. It's the fact that we both have to have "equal" footing and treat each other as "equals" to make this work out. I'm treated well below everyone else in the family, I'm just the "walking paycheck" slave that came from a "dysfunctional family" and have "NO clue on how to be a proper parent or husband". My place is at work making money - her place is at home eating bon-bons and controlling the money and the home/world.
Her plan as she described it to me was to "make my life so miserable that I'd come crawling back or if I didn't I'd be punished".
I only hope all this arguing between the lawyers will diminish and we'll get to negotiated solutions so we can have final orders in a few months not temporary orders. I know this is a lot to hope for, but I'm concerned about how much damage this is doing to our children. We need to get past this point quickly so we can move to more positive aspects.
ARTICLES:
Best and Worst Cities For Divorce
Kids As Weapons
No More Tug Of War
How To Deal With Toxic Parents
0 comments:
Post a Comment