End of Innocence - Aug 1996 - Dec 1996

After the hearing, things have become very turbulent.  I have been handed a ruling beyond my ability to comply and my soon to be ex and her pit bull lawyer have become more hostile and unreasonable.

Right now I'm struggling with the emotions of being separated from my children.  I could have left my ex long ago, but I stayed for the children and the hope that someday my ex would help work through the issues.

What I got for my 16 years of trying to work through things, including the last three with professional counseling was a huge disappointment, denial of access to my children, a legal ruling and prohibitions that bound me to impossible conditions.  The conditions would incarcerate me if the current trend to jail "dead beat dads" continued.

My soon to be ex was introducing the elements of parental alienation.  I worked varied shifts and days.  Many times she would call just before one of our children's events at school and tell me about the event even though she had known 1-2 weeks ahead of time.  She knew most of the time I couldn't get off work with that short of a notice.  She would tell my children, "See your father doesn't care enough about you to show up or pay his child support."  Even though both were lies and both were documented.

She didn't have to worry, she had the protection of the unfamily courts and later Child Support Enforcement.  She got what every she wanted and could do anything she wanted with their backing.

 As the next few months wore on and the battles continued, I took my vacation and comp time to move out of state and put some distance between the conflict.  It was getting way out of hand and very hostile.  I tried to get a leave of absence, but my company wouldn't grant one.  I had intended to move closer to my parents in the Southeast.  Perhaps with the geographic buffer things would cool down and I would get my visitations again.

As I was to learn later, the less Dad was involved with his children the larger child support award Mom would get.  The objective was to shut Dad completely out of the picture so Mom had complete control of the children and enough money she wouldn't have to work.

I painfully learned later that the other objective was to make life so hard for me I'd come back and if I didn't I'd be punished.  I had embarrassed her by filing for a divorce, how dare I!  Her lawyer, the unfamily courts, and later Support Enforcement would support her in these efforts.  She just had to agree to prostitute herself as their poster child.

When I arrived at my parents, my mother gave me a letter my ex had written to them pleading for their help getting me to return to my "loving family".  I really missed my sons and it sounded like she had finally recognized the issues we had with a willingness to work through them.  I had heard it many times before, but I really didn't want to leave them.

 After some phone calls and verbal agreements, I agreed to return only with certain conditions.  First and foremost was getting us back to counseling to help us through our issues.  I couldn't stand the thought of going through this nightmare again.

My parents were of course concerned about my returning to the clutches of my evil ex, but they understood if there was a chance to salvage the relationship I would do so to be with my children.

We reluctantly parted and I began my return trip.  It was a joyful reunion, almost a year apart and I had missed so much.  It was only the forerunner of the future.

A few days after I had returned, I asked my ex what she had told our friends and her family.  She casually replied, "That you were having a mid-life crisis."

I was shocked, but not surprised.  She couldn't even admit to those that were close to us that we were having problems.  The blame was entirely on me!  Another omen of the future.

Reminds me of the Don Henley song, "The End of Innocence":

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass waves in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence...

We finished the rest of the year and into the first part of 1997 with all of us trying (or at least pretending in her case) to do our best as a family.  That would end soon, she had another plan that she was waiting to spring as soon as she thought I was settled and wouldn't leave.

I noticed that she continually put off attending counseling again using the holidays as an excuse.  I made a compromise that within the first two weeks of January we'd be in counseling.  She made a vague commitment that I let slide.  I wanted to enjoy my time at home and with my children.  I'd worry about it later too.

I couldn't see it, but I had an uneasy feeling about the storm just over the horizon.  I tried my best to shut out the thoughts over the holidays...why spoil them?

ARTICLES:

Gender Bias In The Unfamily Courts

Denver Post PAS Article 

Federal Scheme To Destroy Father

Fathers and Families Win Victory Over CSE

PAS Emotional Abuse

PAS Diagnosis

Confessions Of A Lawyer - 6/10/96

Things are looking REALLY bad.  I'm one the verge of firing my lawyer for excessive charges in his billing that eat up my retainer faster than I can produce money - with very little return on my investment.  In addition, his non-performance of requested actions, starting fights with my soon to be ex-wife, and worst of all, he slipped in one of our sessions and admitted to "'sleeping' with the enemy" - my wife's lawyer.  He didn't bed her, but what flushed out is that in this little town the hearing is a "formality" to announce the decision that has already been made between the lawyers and judges over a game of golf, drinks, dinner, lunch, or some other "social 'business' meeting".

They're all in it together to make money and justify their existence and expand their domain to make even more money.  The real losers are - the family in the unfamily court system.  From the feedback I've heard over the years the system pretty much works the same all over.  And we thought we'd "have our day in court" and "justice" (more like injustice) would prevail.  No it's only power hungry, money grubbing people that have been sanctioned by a city, county, state, or federal government to pretend to be concerned about the "rights" of all involved and making an "unbiased" decision based on "facts".  I've yet to see that happen in the 15 years I've had to deal with the injustice system.

If we weren't so close to a hearing and I hadn't already spent a large amount of money - nothing compared to what I'm going to get stuck with latter on in the process, I would fire him.  On the practical side who would I hire - just another one of the lawyers in the "gang".

When I examined his bill I noticed my lawyer was charging me a nickel a page for copies made for my case, a few pennies for each staple and paper clip used, pencils and pens used, etc.  During our meetings he would request large numbers of documents that I would dig up organize and even put them in folders for him with a table of contents to help him quickly locate a document.  During our sessions he would spend half the time reviewing the material while I waited, then discuss the material and of course we'd run out of time and have to schedule another session, which was repeated over and over.

In our last session I dropped a box of office supplies on his desk with my name on it.  In the box was a stapler and staples, paperclips, copy paper, folders, pencils and pens, and some other assorted items.  He just gave me a blank, imbecilic look and I explained that he was going to back off the charges for office supplies on his bill and in the future, use these supplies for my case.  I told him I expected these minor items to be covered in his standard fee.

I also had him adjust the bill for all the wasted time he spent in our conferences not being prepared, using the first 15 minutes to prepare himself.  Many times, covering items we had already covered last time.  I had him back off the phone calls at 15 minutes each because he was too lazy to look in the folders for his answer or we had already discussed it in our conference and he failed to take notes.  He would call me at work and leave a message of less than a minute.  I would call back and we would spend less than two minutes on the phone to give him and answer he should already have.  In return he'd bill me for 15 minutes of phone conference time.

My soon to be ex-wife's lawyer, I call her the "pit bull", has been creating a very hostile environment and trying to use access to my children as a bargaining tool.  I refuse to participate in this type of extortion and as a result, my visitations and time with my sons has been severely curtailed even though such a move is in violation of the law - for what that's worth.  Not much when you're dad.

My soon to be ex-wife is taking her cues from the "pit bull" and has become most uncooperative and very unrealistic in her demands.

Worst of all, my children are upset with the entire situation and nobody seems to care even though their hypocritical mantra is "for the children".  There was some humor in the situation - a co-worker found a joke that applied to the situation: "What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?" "LIPSTICK!".

I've been looking ahead a little to see just how big and how bad the enemy is.  I've heard from other people about the next "wonderful" organization that steps in to continue the abuse - Support Enforcement.

This isn't the way it was suppose to happen - it was a simple, non-contested divorce to make a course correction for all of us and we were to move on with our new lives.  I see "red flags" everywhere - what a MESS!

Another bright note, my soon to be ex-wife had to spill the beans to her family.  They were pissed, not at me but at her for the problems she caused and not being willing to work our issues out in counseling.  I actually got a not from her sister apologizing for her and letting me know they were hoping we could work things out.  Of course this really pissed off my soon to be ex-wife since she got an ear full and ass chewing from her mother.

Perhaps we can negotiate some reasonable agreement since everybody claims to be "concerned foremost with the children" - right.  It's looking more like how can we use them as an excuse to make me comply with unreasonable demands and justify their unwarranted and illegal actions.

Although, my soon to be ex-wife is starting to leave voice mails and send cards and letters indicating that she may have learned her lesson and wants this all to end.  How many times must one endure "for better or worse".  I am having a very hard time leaving my children and being separated from them.  This has always broken my resolve in the past and she knows it.  How much will one endure for their children.

 I know if I go back she will make me pay a huge price for "embarrassing" her in front of friends, family, and neighbors by moving out and filing for divorce.

How can you every trust someone who has manipulated, controlled, abused, been so ungrateful, and even tried to kill you to collect your insurance?  On the surface she puts on this mask of innocence and helplessness, a poor faithful, loving wife and mother struggling to "hold the family together" while her ass of a husband just throws it all away.  At the same time, she presents this image to everyone else she confesses in her letters to me she "confesses" her crimes against me and promises to do better.  She promises many desperate things in an effort to not end our marriage.

This woman has some serious, untreated mental issues.  When our counselors would get near to these issues she would terminate the sessions with the counselor declaring she could resolve all the remaining issues.  I recall one session in particular when the counselor was getting too close to her deep, dark secrets, she stood up and declared, "I'm waiting for the counselor to tell you that you're the one with all the problems.  I don't have any problems, I'm just here to support you in the sessions."  The counselor was taken aback and I just laughed, telling her that her statement declares she has some serious problems.  We all have issues and problems to deal with, it's how we deal with them and attain balance our lives.  These things will ether break us or make us stronger.

ARTICLES:

Severe Sociopaths Oppose PAS

Red Tape

Girl Victim In Support Enforcement Identity Theft

Why Parental Alienation is Emotional Abuse

One Big Problem

Suspended Lawyer Pleads Insanity