End of Innocence - Aug 1996 - Dec 1996

After the hearing, things have become very turbulent.  I have been handed a ruling beyond my ability to comply and my soon to be ex and her pit bull lawyer have become more hostile and unreasonable.

Right now I'm struggling with the emotions of being separated from my children.  I could have left my ex long ago, but I stayed for the children and the hope that someday my ex would help work through the issues.

What I got for my 16 years of trying to work through things, including the last three with professional counseling was a huge disappointment, denial of access to my children, a legal ruling and prohibitions that bound me to impossible conditions.  The conditions would incarcerate me if the current trend to jail "dead beat dads" continued.

My soon to be ex was introducing the elements of parental alienation.  I worked varied shifts and days.  Many times she would call just before one of our children's events at school and tell me about the event even though she had known 1-2 weeks ahead of time.  She knew most of the time I couldn't get off work with that short of a notice.  She would tell my children, "See your father doesn't care enough about you to show up or pay his child support."  Even though both were lies and both were documented.

She didn't have to worry, she had the protection of the unfamily courts and later Child Support Enforcement.  She got what every she wanted and could do anything she wanted with their backing.

 As the next few months wore on and the battles continued, I took my vacation and comp time to move out of state and put some distance between the conflict.  It was getting way out of hand and very hostile.  I tried to get a leave of absence, but my company wouldn't grant one.  I had intended to move closer to my parents in the Southeast.  Perhaps with the geographic buffer things would cool down and I would get my visitations again.

As I was to learn later, the less Dad was involved with his children the larger child support award Mom would get.  The objective was to shut Dad completely out of the picture so Mom had complete control of the children and enough money she wouldn't have to work.

I painfully learned later that the other objective was to make life so hard for me I'd come back and if I didn't I'd be punished.  I had embarrassed her by filing for a divorce, how dare I!  Her lawyer, the unfamily courts, and later Support Enforcement would support her in these efforts.  She just had to agree to prostitute herself as their poster child.

When I arrived at my parents, my mother gave me a letter my ex had written to them pleading for their help getting me to return to my "loving family".  I really missed my sons and it sounded like she had finally recognized the issues we had with a willingness to work through them.  I had heard it many times before, but I really didn't want to leave them.

 After some phone calls and verbal agreements, I agreed to return only with certain conditions.  First and foremost was getting us back to counseling to help us through our issues.  I couldn't stand the thought of going through this nightmare again.

My parents were of course concerned about my returning to the clutches of my evil ex, but they understood if there was a chance to salvage the relationship I would do so to be with my children.

We reluctantly parted and I began my return trip.  It was a joyful reunion, almost a year apart and I had missed so much.  It was only the forerunner of the future.

A few days after I had returned, I asked my ex what she had told our friends and her family.  She casually replied, "That you were having a mid-life crisis."

I was shocked, but not surprised.  She couldn't even admit to those that were close to us that we were having problems.  The blame was entirely on me!  Another omen of the future.

Reminds me of the Don Henley song, "The End of Innocence":

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass waves in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence...

We finished the rest of the year and into the first part of 1997 with all of us trying (or at least pretending in her case) to do our best as a family.  That would end soon, she had another plan that she was waiting to spring as soon as she thought I was settled and wouldn't leave.

I noticed that she continually put off attending counseling again using the holidays as an excuse.  I made a compromise that within the first two weeks of January we'd be in counseling.  She made a vague commitment that I let slide.  I wanted to enjoy my time at home and with my children.  I'd worry about it later too.

I couldn't see it, but I had an uneasy feeling about the storm just over the horizon.  I tried my best to shut out the thoughts over the holidays...why spoil them?

ARTICLES:

Gender Bias In The Unfamily Courts

Denver Post PAS Article 

Federal Scheme To Destroy Father

Fathers and Families Win Victory Over CSE

PAS Emotional Abuse

PAS Diagnosis

Get Over It! - 8/23/96

The hearing, or the announcement of the predetermined judgment by the judge and lawyers was issued in the form of a "temporary" order that always, becomes permanent.  My soon to be ex-wife and her "pit-bill" lawyer have managed to create such a hostile environment I haven't been able to see my children without the possibility of being jailed.  With the new "domestic violence" laws and the perverted form that the state has framed them, all it takes is an accusation even if I'm not present and I go to jail. 

At the same time, they make an appeal and pleading to the court to do something so I take more interest in my children and visit them.  Of course, larger awards are granted if dad isn't a part of the children's lives and mom "has to do it all".  Reminds me of the Don Henley song, "Get Over It":

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin’ ’don’t blame me’
They point their crooked little fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin’ sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma’s too thin; your daddy’s too fat...

You don’t want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn’t owe you a thing...

You’re makin’ the most of your losin’ streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak...

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin’ everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick it’s little ass

Get over it...

In addition to my lack of "interest" and visitations with my children, the "pit-bull" and my soon to be ex contrived a very favorable situation for her to gain a larger sum of money.  The "pit-bull" had my soon to be ex resign from her position at the state university and claim that she couldn't work out a schedule with the chancellor's office that would allow her to complete her degree at the university - what ever major she is at the moment.  She has had seven years now to complete a degree and has wobbled all over the place.  Ignore the fact that the chancellor's office is the most powerful office within the university system and her former boss had her work scheduled modified to finish her degree.

The university made it too easy to change majors and classes over the phone.  Not like the old way of having to see your advisor and getting him to sign a form and meeting with the new advisor for his signature.  Then, off to admissions to get the last signature, pay the fee, and make the change official.  Over the past six years she has flip flopped all over the place with a major and classes.  So much time has been wasted with changes and very little progress has been made towards the degree.  I would come home some days and she had changed her major and classes as many as six times in one day over the phone.  I stopped counting she changed so much.  When it was actually time to start school, she had to hold the Guinness's Book of World records for number of changes in majors and classes.  After a week of classes and another hundred changes she couldn't get into her new classes because they were full so she'd drop out of school and start paying the student loan back with the intent of starting the next session.

They presented to the court the "poor struggling mom" who hadn't finished her education like I had.  She put me through school and now I'm abandoning the family, she was unemployed (even though she voluntarily terminated), and she needed time to finish her psychology degree to make her more marketable.

Never mind she had at least sixteen plus years in business and office administration, dictation, short hand, accounting and bookkeeping, could type accurately 80-100 words per minute and a whole host of other marketable office skills.  These skills had landed positions with generous benefits paying $30-35K a year.  Unless she finished a doctorate in psychology her salary would struggle to rise above $24K per year.

As it would be revealed many years later, she would end up as an Assistant to the Dean making between $50-60K per year and full state benefits.  Not to mention the ten thousand paid holidays, paid vacation, sick leave, state retirement, automatic pay increases not for performance, but longevity along with all the other perks associated with a cushy, secure (as you can get), state job at a major university.

What the "pit-bull" didn't count on was my challenge to the accusations and that I had documentation to validate my position.

The first challenge was her "loss of income" due to being "laid off".  In her perjured, sworn and notarized statement of financial affairs, she was still employed the prior week before the hearing.  That is until the previous Friday.  When she was cornered on the exact date of her separation and the circumstances it finally smoked out that she voluntarily resigned. 

When pressed about the perjured financial statement and the bias remarks she inserted to influence the court, the judge told my lawyer to back off since it upset her.

Never mind she admitted that even though she was suppose to put the actual values for her expenses on the financial disclosure, she had put what she wanted them to be.  When the totals for all the categories were calculated, it was discovered she was spending at least $1500 per month more than she had available.  One category, clothing, she claimed to spend $800 per month for our four sons.  Then she inserted the remark, "The Children are in desperate need of winter clothes".  Funny we never spent that when we were together.  Maybe $200-300 at the start of school and a few other times during the year, but not $800 per month, EVERY month - we shopped at Target and Wal-Mart, NOT Macy's!

I had wanted to change careers a few months back and would have made about the same level of income, but I was threatened by the court and the lawyers with a contempt and fraud charge because it would have the appearance I was "dodging my responsibilities".  I explained I was employed in my current field because of the manipulations of my soon to be ex and I wanted to move to a different field that would have equivalent pay and was more compatible with my long range goals.

Of course she got nothing but sympathy from the court and a larger award.

The next challenge I presented was the claim of putting me through school.  I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to school full time sleeping about three hours a day for six and one half years. Yes, she did work some in the latter part of my education and I did pull back from full time to 3/4 time and a part time job while going to school full time.  This was to allow for more time for the tougher, more time consuming upper level courses.

I produced the tax returns and the W2's to validate my position.  The court just dismissed them as "irrelevant".

When the court was done they had assessed me for 110% of my gross income.  When I pointed this out, the court and the "pit-bull" told me to get a part-time job.  I pointed out it was against my current employer's policy to allow employees in our division to have a second job.  We were on-call seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day and compensated for the requirement.  In addition, I was not only commanding an above average salary, but the assessment was unattainable since it was more than my gross income and I couldn't work a second job.  In addition, I had to pay rent, utilities, food, and had other debts that had to be serviced. 

The state had the unrealistic idea of "maintaining the same standard of living for the children" even though the income levels had changed and now two households had to be maintained from the same income.

The court reconsidered and much to the disgruntlement of the "pit-bull" and my soon to be ex adjusted my judgment to 90% of my gross income.

Of Course, the court and the "pit-bull" made no effort to allow access to my children.  If they did then I would owe less money.  Never mind they and my soon to be ex are fracturing the parent child bond between us.  This is legalized child abuse and denial of parental rights.  Welcome to the world of the perverted system.  As one lawyer pointed out, "it's not about justice, right or wrong, good or evil, it's just a system and a very broken one at that."

On the way out of the courtroom my lawyer patted himself on the back for such a good job.  I fired his ass leaving him standing on the street corner in the rain.  I later reported him to the bar, but like all the other scum bags that support the system, they just made excuses and dismissed the issue.

Reminds me of another Don Henley song, "End of Innocence":

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details...

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man...

Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details...

Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

I'm having to look at some other options.  In this state, if you don't pay 100% of the court order it's the same as not paying at all, even if you somehow make 95% of the payment.  Never mind that the order is unattainable and you've been classified as a "deadbeat, asshole, scumbag dad" and get what ever you deserve.  This means jail time, garnishment of your paycheck and the stigma associated with the garnishment and many times loss of employment, loss of security clearances needed to remain employed, seizure of your unemployment and food stamps, seizure of your IRA, 401(k), or any other retirement funds, seizure of any other income such as rent, royalties, and bonuses, suspension of driver's and professional licenses, seizure of property, bank accounts, and tax returns, denial of passports, fines, labeling you as a "deadbeat dad" and posting your picture on Web sites, billboards, bumper stickers, etc. and of course continuing to assess you for current and back child support and 28% interest EVEN though you've been stripped of the resources to pay because you couldn't comply with the unrealistic and unattainable demands of the "unfamily" court and the system that supports it.

I will learn and experience later that Support Enforcement doesn't need a court order to do these things - they've been granted the power to execute enforcement actions without the "interference" of the court.  A minimally trained clerk just fills out the form justified or not, correct or not and it will take months before the unfamily court hears the complaint.  In the meantime, you and yours get to suffer the consequences from the actions.  When the unfamily court finally hears the issue, even though they find it was unjustified or incorrect, at best you'll get a new order with no penalties against Support Enforcement - of course, it's just a show since they support each other and are accountable to none but themselves.

I will do all I can to support my children and be part of their lives even if I have to do it out of reach of the "pit-bull", my soon to be ex, and the injustice system.  I will not submit to the abusive and unjust treatment from the system and I will fight them until the end.

I found a picture that represents the mold they're trying to force me into:

ARTICLES:

 Stealing The Minds of Our Children

Vengeful Mothers Deny Fathers

Turning Children Into Tools of Hate

Grandparents Ask for Access

Deadbeat Dads

  

Confessions Of A Lawyer - 6/10/96

Things are looking REALLY bad.  I'm one the verge of firing my lawyer for excessive charges in his billing that eat up my retainer faster than I can produce money - with very little return on my investment.  In addition, his non-performance of requested actions, starting fights with my soon to be ex-wife, and worst of all, he slipped in one of our sessions and admitted to "'sleeping' with the enemy" - my wife's lawyer.  He didn't bed her, but what flushed out is that in this little town the hearing is a "formality" to announce the decision that has already been made between the lawyers and judges over a game of golf, drinks, dinner, lunch, or some other "social 'business' meeting".

They're all in it together to make money and justify their existence and expand their domain to make even more money.  The real losers are - the family in the unfamily court system.  From the feedback I've heard over the years the system pretty much works the same all over.  And we thought we'd "have our day in court" and "justice" (more like injustice) would prevail.  No it's only power hungry, money grubbing people that have been sanctioned by a city, county, state, or federal government to pretend to be concerned about the "rights" of all involved and making an "unbiased" decision based on "facts".  I've yet to see that happen in the 15 years I've had to deal with the injustice system.

If we weren't so close to a hearing and I hadn't already spent a large amount of money - nothing compared to what I'm going to get stuck with latter on in the process, I would fire him.  On the practical side who would I hire - just another one of the lawyers in the "gang".

When I examined his bill I noticed my lawyer was charging me a nickel a page for copies made for my case, a few pennies for each staple and paper clip used, pencils and pens used, etc.  During our meetings he would request large numbers of documents that I would dig up organize and even put them in folders for him with a table of contents to help him quickly locate a document.  During our sessions he would spend half the time reviewing the material while I waited, then discuss the material and of course we'd run out of time and have to schedule another session, which was repeated over and over.

In our last session I dropped a box of office supplies on his desk with my name on it.  In the box was a stapler and staples, paperclips, copy paper, folders, pencils and pens, and some other assorted items.  He just gave me a blank, imbecilic look and I explained that he was going to back off the charges for office supplies on his bill and in the future, use these supplies for my case.  I told him I expected these minor items to be covered in his standard fee.

I also had him adjust the bill for all the wasted time he spent in our conferences not being prepared, using the first 15 minutes to prepare himself.  Many times, covering items we had already covered last time.  I had him back off the phone calls at 15 minutes each because he was too lazy to look in the folders for his answer or we had already discussed it in our conference and he failed to take notes.  He would call me at work and leave a message of less than a minute.  I would call back and we would spend less than two minutes on the phone to give him and answer he should already have.  In return he'd bill me for 15 minutes of phone conference time.

My soon to be ex-wife's lawyer, I call her the "pit bull", has been creating a very hostile environment and trying to use access to my children as a bargaining tool.  I refuse to participate in this type of extortion and as a result, my visitations and time with my sons has been severely curtailed even though such a move is in violation of the law - for what that's worth.  Not much when you're dad.

My soon to be ex-wife is taking her cues from the "pit bull" and has become most uncooperative and very unrealistic in her demands.

Worst of all, my children are upset with the entire situation and nobody seems to care even though their hypocritical mantra is "for the children".  There was some humor in the situation - a co-worker found a joke that applied to the situation: "What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?" "LIPSTICK!".

I've been looking ahead a little to see just how big and how bad the enemy is.  I've heard from other people about the next "wonderful" organization that steps in to continue the abuse - Support Enforcement.

This isn't the way it was suppose to happen - it was a simple, non-contested divorce to make a course correction for all of us and we were to move on with our new lives.  I see "red flags" everywhere - what a MESS!

Another bright note, my soon to be ex-wife had to spill the beans to her family.  They were pissed, not at me but at her for the problems she caused and not being willing to work our issues out in counseling.  I actually got a not from her sister apologizing for her and letting me know they were hoping we could work things out.  Of course this really pissed off my soon to be ex-wife since she got an ear full and ass chewing from her mother.

Perhaps we can negotiate some reasonable agreement since everybody claims to be "concerned foremost with the children" - right.  It's looking more like how can we use them as an excuse to make me comply with unreasonable demands and justify their unwarranted and illegal actions.

Although, my soon to be ex-wife is starting to leave voice mails and send cards and letters indicating that she may have learned her lesson and wants this all to end.  How many times must one endure "for better or worse".  I am having a very hard time leaving my children and being separated from them.  This has always broken my resolve in the past and she knows it.  How much will one endure for their children.

 I know if I go back she will make me pay a huge price for "embarrassing" her in front of friends, family, and neighbors by moving out and filing for divorce.

How can you every trust someone who has manipulated, controlled, abused, been so ungrateful, and even tried to kill you to collect your insurance?  On the surface she puts on this mask of innocence and helplessness, a poor faithful, loving wife and mother struggling to "hold the family together" while her ass of a husband just throws it all away.  At the same time, she presents this image to everyone else she confesses in her letters to me she "confesses" her crimes against me and promises to do better.  She promises many desperate things in an effort to not end our marriage.

This woman has some serious, untreated mental issues.  When our counselors would get near to these issues she would terminate the sessions with the counselor declaring she could resolve all the remaining issues.  I recall one session in particular when the counselor was getting too close to her deep, dark secrets, she stood up and declared, "I'm waiting for the counselor to tell you that you're the one with all the problems.  I don't have any problems, I'm just here to support you in the sessions."  The counselor was taken aback and I just laughed, telling her that her statement declares she has some serious problems.  We all have issues and problems to deal with, it's how we deal with them and attain balance our lives.  These things will ether break us or make us stronger.

ARTICLES:

Severe Sociopaths Oppose PAS

Red Tape

Girl Victim In Support Enforcement Identity Theft

Why Parental Alienation is Emotional Abuse

One Big Problem

Suspended Lawyer Pleads Insanity