End of Innocence - Aug 1996 - Dec 1996

After the hearing, things have become very turbulent.  I have been handed a ruling beyond my ability to comply and my soon to be ex and her pit bull lawyer have become more hostile and unreasonable.

Right now I'm struggling with the emotions of being separated from my children.  I could have left my ex long ago, but I stayed for the children and the hope that someday my ex would help work through the issues.

What I got for my 16 years of trying to work through things, including the last three with professional counseling was a huge disappointment, denial of access to my children, a legal ruling and prohibitions that bound me to impossible conditions.  The conditions would incarcerate me if the current trend to jail "dead beat dads" continued.

My soon to be ex was introducing the elements of parental alienation.  I worked varied shifts and days.  Many times she would call just before one of our children's events at school and tell me about the event even though she had known 1-2 weeks ahead of time.  She knew most of the time I couldn't get off work with that short of a notice.  She would tell my children, "See your father doesn't care enough about you to show up or pay his child support."  Even though both were lies and both were documented.

She didn't have to worry, she had the protection of the unfamily courts and later Child Support Enforcement.  She got what every she wanted and could do anything she wanted with their backing.

 As the next few months wore on and the battles continued, I took my vacation and comp time to move out of state and put some distance between the conflict.  It was getting way out of hand and very hostile.  I tried to get a leave of absence, but my company wouldn't grant one.  I had intended to move closer to my parents in the Southeast.  Perhaps with the geographic buffer things would cool down and I would get my visitations again.

As I was to learn later, the less Dad was involved with his children the larger child support award Mom would get.  The objective was to shut Dad completely out of the picture so Mom had complete control of the children and enough money she wouldn't have to work.

I painfully learned later that the other objective was to make life so hard for me I'd come back and if I didn't I'd be punished.  I had embarrassed her by filing for a divorce, how dare I!  Her lawyer, the unfamily courts, and later Support Enforcement would support her in these efforts.  She just had to agree to prostitute herself as their poster child.

When I arrived at my parents, my mother gave me a letter my ex had written to them pleading for their help getting me to return to my "loving family".  I really missed my sons and it sounded like she had finally recognized the issues we had with a willingness to work through them.  I had heard it many times before, but I really didn't want to leave them.

 After some phone calls and verbal agreements, I agreed to return only with certain conditions.  First and foremost was getting us back to counseling to help us through our issues.  I couldn't stand the thought of going through this nightmare again.

My parents were of course concerned about my returning to the clutches of my evil ex, but they understood if there was a chance to salvage the relationship I would do so to be with my children.

We reluctantly parted and I began my return trip.  It was a joyful reunion, almost a year apart and I had missed so much.  It was only the forerunner of the future.

A few days after I had returned, I asked my ex what she had told our friends and her family.  She casually replied, "That you were having a mid-life crisis."

I was shocked, but not surprised.  She couldn't even admit to those that were close to us that we were having problems.  The blame was entirely on me!  Another omen of the future.

Reminds me of the Don Henley song, "The End of Innocence":

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass waves in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence...

We finished the rest of the year and into the first part of 1997 with all of us trying (or at least pretending in her case) to do our best as a family.  That would end soon, she had another plan that she was waiting to spring as soon as she thought I was settled and wouldn't leave.

I noticed that she continually put off attending counseling again using the holidays as an excuse.  I made a compromise that within the first two weeks of January we'd be in counseling.  She made a vague commitment that I let slide.  I wanted to enjoy my time at home and with my children.  I'd worry about it later too.

I couldn't see it, but I had an uneasy feeling about the storm just over the horizon.  I tried my best to shut out the thoughts over the holidays...why spoil them?

ARTICLES:

Gender Bias In The Unfamily Courts

Denver Post PAS Article 

Federal Scheme To Destroy Father

Fathers and Families Win Victory Over CSE

PAS Emotional Abuse

PAS Diagnosis

Get Over It! - 8/23/96

The hearing, or the announcement of the predetermined judgment by the judge and lawyers was issued in the form of a "temporary" order that always, becomes permanent.  My soon to be ex-wife and her "pit-bill" lawyer have managed to create such a hostile environment I haven't been able to see my children without the possibility of being jailed.  With the new "domestic violence" laws and the perverted form that the state has framed them, all it takes is an accusation even if I'm not present and I go to jail. 

At the same time, they make an appeal and pleading to the court to do something so I take more interest in my children and visit them.  Of course, larger awards are granted if dad isn't a part of the children's lives and mom "has to do it all".  Reminds me of the Don Henley song, "Get Over It":

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin’ ’don’t blame me’
They point their crooked little fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin’ sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma’s too thin; your daddy’s too fat...

You don’t want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn’t owe you a thing...

You’re makin’ the most of your losin’ streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak...

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin’ everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick it’s little ass

Get over it...

In addition to my lack of "interest" and visitations with my children, the "pit-bull" and my soon to be ex contrived a very favorable situation for her to gain a larger sum of money.  The "pit-bull" had my soon to be ex resign from her position at the state university and claim that she couldn't work out a schedule with the chancellor's office that would allow her to complete her degree at the university - what ever major she is at the moment.  She has had seven years now to complete a degree and has wobbled all over the place.  Ignore the fact that the chancellor's office is the most powerful office within the university system and her former boss had her work scheduled modified to finish her degree.

The university made it too easy to change majors and classes over the phone.  Not like the old way of having to see your advisor and getting him to sign a form and meeting with the new advisor for his signature.  Then, off to admissions to get the last signature, pay the fee, and make the change official.  Over the past six years she has flip flopped all over the place with a major and classes.  So much time has been wasted with changes and very little progress has been made towards the degree.  I would come home some days and she had changed her major and classes as many as six times in one day over the phone.  I stopped counting she changed so much.  When it was actually time to start school, she had to hold the Guinness's Book of World records for number of changes in majors and classes.  After a week of classes and another hundred changes she couldn't get into her new classes because they were full so she'd drop out of school and start paying the student loan back with the intent of starting the next session.

They presented to the court the "poor struggling mom" who hadn't finished her education like I had.  She put me through school and now I'm abandoning the family, she was unemployed (even though she voluntarily terminated), and she needed time to finish her psychology degree to make her more marketable.

Never mind she had at least sixteen plus years in business and office administration, dictation, short hand, accounting and bookkeeping, could type accurately 80-100 words per minute and a whole host of other marketable office skills.  These skills had landed positions with generous benefits paying $30-35K a year.  Unless she finished a doctorate in psychology her salary would struggle to rise above $24K per year.

As it would be revealed many years later, she would end up as an Assistant to the Dean making between $50-60K per year and full state benefits.  Not to mention the ten thousand paid holidays, paid vacation, sick leave, state retirement, automatic pay increases not for performance, but longevity along with all the other perks associated with a cushy, secure (as you can get), state job at a major university.

What the "pit-bull" didn't count on was my challenge to the accusations and that I had documentation to validate my position.

The first challenge was her "loss of income" due to being "laid off".  In her perjured, sworn and notarized statement of financial affairs, she was still employed the prior week before the hearing.  That is until the previous Friday.  When she was cornered on the exact date of her separation and the circumstances it finally smoked out that she voluntarily resigned. 

When pressed about the perjured financial statement and the bias remarks she inserted to influence the court, the judge told my lawyer to back off since it upset her.

Never mind she admitted that even though she was suppose to put the actual values for her expenses on the financial disclosure, she had put what she wanted them to be.  When the totals for all the categories were calculated, it was discovered she was spending at least $1500 per month more than she had available.  One category, clothing, she claimed to spend $800 per month for our four sons.  Then she inserted the remark, "The Children are in desperate need of winter clothes".  Funny we never spent that when we were together.  Maybe $200-300 at the start of school and a few other times during the year, but not $800 per month, EVERY month - we shopped at Target and Wal-Mart, NOT Macy's!

I had wanted to change careers a few months back and would have made about the same level of income, but I was threatened by the court and the lawyers with a contempt and fraud charge because it would have the appearance I was "dodging my responsibilities".  I explained I was employed in my current field because of the manipulations of my soon to be ex and I wanted to move to a different field that would have equivalent pay and was more compatible with my long range goals.

Of course she got nothing but sympathy from the court and a larger award.

The next challenge I presented was the claim of putting me through school.  I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to school full time sleeping about three hours a day for six and one half years. Yes, she did work some in the latter part of my education and I did pull back from full time to 3/4 time and a part time job while going to school full time.  This was to allow for more time for the tougher, more time consuming upper level courses.

I produced the tax returns and the W2's to validate my position.  The court just dismissed them as "irrelevant".

When the court was done they had assessed me for 110% of my gross income.  When I pointed this out, the court and the "pit-bull" told me to get a part-time job.  I pointed out it was against my current employer's policy to allow employees in our division to have a second job.  We were on-call seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day and compensated for the requirement.  In addition, I was not only commanding an above average salary, but the assessment was unattainable since it was more than my gross income and I couldn't work a second job.  In addition, I had to pay rent, utilities, food, and had other debts that had to be serviced. 

The state had the unrealistic idea of "maintaining the same standard of living for the children" even though the income levels had changed and now two households had to be maintained from the same income.

The court reconsidered and much to the disgruntlement of the "pit-bull" and my soon to be ex adjusted my judgment to 90% of my gross income.

Of Course, the court and the "pit-bull" made no effort to allow access to my children.  If they did then I would owe less money.  Never mind they and my soon to be ex are fracturing the parent child bond between us.  This is legalized child abuse and denial of parental rights.  Welcome to the world of the perverted system.  As one lawyer pointed out, "it's not about justice, right or wrong, good or evil, it's just a system and a very broken one at that."

On the way out of the courtroom my lawyer patted himself on the back for such a good job.  I fired his ass leaving him standing on the street corner in the rain.  I later reported him to the bar, but like all the other scum bags that support the system, they just made excuses and dismissed the issue.

Reminds me of another Don Henley song, "End of Innocence":

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details...

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man...

Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details...

Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

I'm having to look at some other options.  In this state, if you don't pay 100% of the court order it's the same as not paying at all, even if you somehow make 95% of the payment.  Never mind that the order is unattainable and you've been classified as a "deadbeat, asshole, scumbag dad" and get what ever you deserve.  This means jail time, garnishment of your paycheck and the stigma associated with the garnishment and many times loss of employment, loss of security clearances needed to remain employed, seizure of your unemployment and food stamps, seizure of your IRA, 401(k), or any other retirement funds, seizure of any other income such as rent, royalties, and bonuses, suspension of driver's and professional licenses, seizure of property, bank accounts, and tax returns, denial of passports, fines, labeling you as a "deadbeat dad" and posting your picture on Web sites, billboards, bumper stickers, etc. and of course continuing to assess you for current and back child support and 28% interest EVEN though you've been stripped of the resources to pay because you couldn't comply with the unrealistic and unattainable demands of the "unfamily" court and the system that supports it.

I will learn and experience later that Support Enforcement doesn't need a court order to do these things - they've been granted the power to execute enforcement actions without the "interference" of the court.  A minimally trained clerk just fills out the form justified or not, correct or not and it will take months before the unfamily court hears the complaint.  In the meantime, you and yours get to suffer the consequences from the actions.  When the unfamily court finally hears the issue, even though they find it was unjustified or incorrect, at best you'll get a new order with no penalties against Support Enforcement - of course, it's just a show since they support each other and are accountable to none but themselves.

I will do all I can to support my children and be part of their lives even if I have to do it out of reach of the "pit-bull", my soon to be ex, and the injustice system.  I will not submit to the abusive and unjust treatment from the system and I will fight them until the end.

I found a picture that represents the mold they're trying to force me into:

ARTICLES:

 Stealing The Minds of Our Children

Vengeful Mothers Deny Fathers

Turning Children Into Tools of Hate

Grandparents Ask for Access

Deadbeat Dads

  

Confessions Of A Lawyer - 6/10/96

Things are looking REALLY bad.  I'm one the verge of firing my lawyer for excessive charges in his billing that eat up my retainer faster than I can produce money - with very little return on my investment.  In addition, his non-performance of requested actions, starting fights with my soon to be ex-wife, and worst of all, he slipped in one of our sessions and admitted to "'sleeping' with the enemy" - my wife's lawyer.  He didn't bed her, but what flushed out is that in this little town the hearing is a "formality" to announce the decision that has already been made between the lawyers and judges over a game of golf, drinks, dinner, lunch, or some other "social 'business' meeting".

They're all in it together to make money and justify their existence and expand their domain to make even more money.  The real losers are - the family in the unfamily court system.  From the feedback I've heard over the years the system pretty much works the same all over.  And we thought we'd "have our day in court" and "justice" (more like injustice) would prevail.  No it's only power hungry, money grubbing people that have been sanctioned by a city, county, state, or federal government to pretend to be concerned about the "rights" of all involved and making an "unbiased" decision based on "facts".  I've yet to see that happen in the 15 years I've had to deal with the injustice system.

If we weren't so close to a hearing and I hadn't already spent a large amount of money - nothing compared to what I'm going to get stuck with latter on in the process, I would fire him.  On the practical side who would I hire - just another one of the lawyers in the "gang".

When I examined his bill I noticed my lawyer was charging me a nickel a page for copies made for my case, a few pennies for each staple and paper clip used, pencils and pens used, etc.  During our meetings he would request large numbers of documents that I would dig up organize and even put them in folders for him with a table of contents to help him quickly locate a document.  During our sessions he would spend half the time reviewing the material while I waited, then discuss the material and of course we'd run out of time and have to schedule another session, which was repeated over and over.

In our last session I dropped a box of office supplies on his desk with my name on it.  In the box was a stapler and staples, paperclips, copy paper, folders, pencils and pens, and some other assorted items.  He just gave me a blank, imbecilic look and I explained that he was going to back off the charges for office supplies on his bill and in the future, use these supplies for my case.  I told him I expected these minor items to be covered in his standard fee.

I also had him adjust the bill for all the wasted time he spent in our conferences not being prepared, using the first 15 minutes to prepare himself.  Many times, covering items we had already covered last time.  I had him back off the phone calls at 15 minutes each because he was too lazy to look in the folders for his answer or we had already discussed it in our conference and he failed to take notes.  He would call me at work and leave a message of less than a minute.  I would call back and we would spend less than two minutes on the phone to give him and answer he should already have.  In return he'd bill me for 15 minutes of phone conference time.

My soon to be ex-wife's lawyer, I call her the "pit bull", has been creating a very hostile environment and trying to use access to my children as a bargaining tool.  I refuse to participate in this type of extortion and as a result, my visitations and time with my sons has been severely curtailed even though such a move is in violation of the law - for what that's worth.  Not much when you're dad.

My soon to be ex-wife is taking her cues from the "pit bull" and has become most uncooperative and very unrealistic in her demands.

Worst of all, my children are upset with the entire situation and nobody seems to care even though their hypocritical mantra is "for the children".  There was some humor in the situation - a co-worker found a joke that applied to the situation: "What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?" "LIPSTICK!".

I've been looking ahead a little to see just how big and how bad the enemy is.  I've heard from other people about the next "wonderful" organization that steps in to continue the abuse - Support Enforcement.

This isn't the way it was suppose to happen - it was a simple, non-contested divorce to make a course correction for all of us and we were to move on with our new lives.  I see "red flags" everywhere - what a MESS!

Another bright note, my soon to be ex-wife had to spill the beans to her family.  They were pissed, not at me but at her for the problems she caused and not being willing to work our issues out in counseling.  I actually got a not from her sister apologizing for her and letting me know they were hoping we could work things out.  Of course this really pissed off my soon to be ex-wife since she got an ear full and ass chewing from her mother.

Perhaps we can negotiate some reasonable agreement since everybody claims to be "concerned foremost with the children" - right.  It's looking more like how can we use them as an excuse to make me comply with unreasonable demands and justify their unwarranted and illegal actions.

Although, my soon to be ex-wife is starting to leave voice mails and send cards and letters indicating that she may have learned her lesson and wants this all to end.  How many times must one endure "for better or worse".  I am having a very hard time leaving my children and being separated from them.  This has always broken my resolve in the past and she knows it.  How much will one endure for their children.

 I know if I go back she will make me pay a huge price for "embarrassing" her in front of friends, family, and neighbors by moving out and filing for divorce.

How can you every trust someone who has manipulated, controlled, abused, been so ungrateful, and even tried to kill you to collect your insurance?  On the surface she puts on this mask of innocence and helplessness, a poor faithful, loving wife and mother struggling to "hold the family together" while her ass of a husband just throws it all away.  At the same time, she presents this image to everyone else she confesses in her letters to me she "confesses" her crimes against me and promises to do better.  She promises many desperate things in an effort to not end our marriage.

This woman has some serious, untreated mental issues.  When our counselors would get near to these issues she would terminate the sessions with the counselor declaring she could resolve all the remaining issues.  I recall one session in particular when the counselor was getting too close to her deep, dark secrets, she stood up and declared, "I'm waiting for the counselor to tell you that you're the one with all the problems.  I don't have any problems, I'm just here to support you in the sessions."  The counselor was taken aback and I just laughed, telling her that her statement declares she has some serious problems.  We all have issues and problems to deal with, it's how we deal with them and attain balance our lives.  These things will ether break us or make us stronger.

ARTICLES:

Severe Sociopaths Oppose PAS

Red Tape

Girl Victim In Support Enforcement Identity Theft

Why Parental Alienation is Emotional Abuse

One Big Problem

Suspended Lawyer Pleads Insanity

Bad Moon Rising - 5/15/96

I have pretty much settled into my new living space and have tried to continue with my "exercises" my counselor gave me to recover my identity.  As I have discovered, my soon to be ex-wife is not only a manipulative control freak, but she is a serious boundary violator.  She has no respect or sense of other people's personal space.  I had no time to myself, no mail unopened, no phone call unmonitored, no wallet or portfolio rummaged through, no drawer unsearched, and no time or money spent that I didn't have to provide a detailed accounting for.  These things were a regular activity for her.  The worst part was any time spent with my children as father and son time never went without the "warden" monitoring our every movement and activity.  Of course the "warden" had to voice her disapproval of the situation and make degrading remarks about how their father contributed to the "delinquency" of his sons.

Our situation didn't happen over night.  It took over a decade and a half to get to this seriously dysfunctional relationship.  Unknown to myself, I was her "project" to be molded and shaped into her idea of the "perfect" husband and father.  The transition was so subtle it was like boiling frogs in water.

If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water he'll hop right out.  If you place the frog in room temperature water and slowly raise the heat to boiling the frog ether won't notice or will notice too late because they are cold blooded.  Likewise, if I had been told up front I was her "project" that needed to be "fixed" I would have jumped out of the pot.  Instead, it was a subtle raising of the water temperature until it was too late.

The counselor helped me to see that I had been stripped of my identity, I truly couldn't answer his simple questions of what did I like to do for leisure, hobbies, sports, movies, books, etc. - at least not without her input.  What were my views on any issues or how did I feel about certain situations.  I had been stripped down to just going to work and busting ass for my family and doing anything else requested of me by my spouse.  We aren't talking about a regular 40 hour work week.  That wouldn't cut it for all the things she wanted.  We're talking about a 60-80 hour work week and then all the extras at home for the "family".  Since all paychecks were electronically deposited and she took care of the bills I NEVER saw my compensation for my efforts.  This created a further disconnect and made me feel like I was on the squeaky hamster wheel of work.

This "program" started from the very beginning of our marriage when our first child came along in our first year.  She didn't really want to work and we both felt it would be best for the children if their mother raised them.  I was willing to take a second, full time job working 80 hours/week to do my part in our plan.  Later it became evident that I was going to have to return to school to get a degree to earn something more than a starving wage with two full time jobs.  For the next 3.5 years I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to school full time getting about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day.  The last 2.5 years of school I had to drop back from full time job to 3/4 time and part time job because the classes were much harder and required more time.  I still only got about 3 hours of broken up sleep a day.  My spouse was able to get a part time job to make up the hours I wasn't working.

When we were done I had a B.S. in Computer Science/Engineering and an A.S. in Avionic Systems (Aviation Electronics).  I also had worked about 6 years as an Electronic Technician so I not only had the book knowledge, but I had hands on applied knowledge.

I got a much better position and better pay, but I got back on the 60 hour work week hamster wheel.  It took 3-5 years to "pay your dues" in my new field and advance to the next position and pay level.  My spouse was very impatient and wanted the "big bucks" now.  In order to comply I joined groups and projects that would advance my abilities and career at something more than "impulse power".  In addition, I started working on my masters in computer Engineering.  Of course I was also making sure I allocated time with my family - I thought I was suppose to get more time now that I'm out of the school grind?  It seemed that I had less time and no time for myself.

After a period of time I got "lost" in the hamster wheel from the Twilight Zone and over a period of time I had lost touch of everything.  All I knew was work, work, work, and more work.  All I heard were demands, demands, demands and b*tch, B*tch, b*itch - no matter how hard I tried or how good it was done it was never enough or good enough.

What I figured out and learned later - both about the same time, that no matter how much I did, she would never be happy because she wasn't happy with herself.  Even worse, she was programming the children with the same expectations and ideas.

Much to her annoyance the counselor made her back off and provided me with an environment to explore who I was and where did I want to go with my life.  He set me on a course to regain my identify that had been striped from me over the many years by my soon to be ex-wife.

I restarted my new course shortly after I got settle in by going to a local celebration of the founding of a historic town near my new home.  It was a cloudy day, but it was nice to get out and walk the streets that were lined with booths and listen to the music.  After my dogs and I got back home I felt like a nap.  We had a warm breeze blowing in the window and the sun had now appeared.  I noticed lately I was taking a lot of naps.  I didn't realize how much wear and tear all the years had on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Next week we would go on a camping trip and with any luck I could take my sons.  That of course would depend on how things turned out with her new lawyer.  My lawyer was finally happy because my soon to be ex-wife hired a lawyer shortly after she was served the divorce papers.  Things weren't looking too good.  In fact, it looked like anything we had worked out was now going to be reworked.  My soon to be ex-wife and her lawyer were trying to use my time with the children as leverage to get me to agree to unreasonable/unrealistic conditions.

Even though this is illegal and in many states considered felony child abuse the system just "overlooks" the situation.  I am determined to continue down this path.  The longer I'm away from her the more I am able to see just how much control she had.  When I'm shopping I still catch myself thinking of the justification I'll have to provide if I buy this item.  Then I "slap" myself when I realize I'm not accountable to her and its none of her business.  As long as I'm paying my support and helping to take care of my children all these other things are NONE of her business.

I have a VERY BAD feeling about all of this.  Our first "temporary" orders hearing is set in a couple of months.  I've seen other people I know get screwed over in these and the final orders hearings.

The other problem I'm having with my soon to be ex-wife is the new bags she's trying to pack for my next "guilt trip".  I refuse to take it.  One minute she's all "loving" and the next she's an evil B*tch bent on my suffering and extermination.  Added to that she's trying to "guess" what was the one thing that set me off so I would "pack up and leave my loving family".  She just doesn't get it - it's not just one thing - it's a multitude of things over the 15+ years.  It's the fact that we both have to have "equal" footing and treat each other as "equals" to make this work out.  I'm treated well below everyone else in the family, I'm just the "walking paycheck" slave that came from a "dysfunctional family" and have "NO clue on how to be a proper parent or husband".  My place is at work making money - her place is at home eating bon-bons and controlling the money and the home/world.

Her plan as she described it to me was to "make my life so miserable that I'd come crawling back or if I didn't I'd be punished".

I only hope all this arguing between the lawyers will diminish and we'll get to negotiated solutions so we can have final orders in a few months not temporary orders.  I know this is a lot to hope for, but I'm concerned about how much damage this is doing to our children.  We need to get past this point quickly so we can move to more positive aspects.

ARTICLES:

Best and Worst Cities For Divorce

Kids As Weapons

No More Tug Of War 

How To Deal With Toxic Parents

Best Laid Plans - 5/1/96

After two weeks in the cabin the dogs and I moved into the campground with a tent trailer. Even though the trailer was heated it was still cold with the spring snowstorms and wind. We spent the next two and a half weeks anticipating the time we could move to our new home. April was spent with endless meetings with my lawyer, trying to work out issues and agreements with my soon to be ex-spouse, and of course working.

I did manage to spend some time with my children during this hectic time. We would go out for part of the day, have lunch, and talk about the situation and the future. I am anxious for the day they can spend a few days at a time with me in our new home.

Finally, it's moving day! After snowing the past few days it is a warm, sunny spring day. The current tenants are finishing their move this morning and we can move in later this morning.

It has been a LONG, frustrating month legally and emotionally. My soon to be ex-wife has tried to pack my bags many times for a "guilt trip", but I've not left for the trip. To her frustration, I've kept her focused on the issues that are specific to completing the divorce and moving forward with our healing and starting our new life journeys.

She of course has gyrated from the extremes of oozing with "love and sweetness" to "rampaging b*tch" bent on revenge, control, and punishment. This has been a "normal" condition through much of our marriage, but it has intensified after she determined I was serious this time about NOT coming back.

Twice in 1995, I had moved out when she refused to get serious about resolving the issues in our relationship. Just to get her to the counselor I would have to give her the choice of seeing the counselor or if she wasn't serious about our relationship it would be the lawyer to end it. Both times in 1995 she begged and pleaded for me to return to my "loving family" and that we'd work things out in our relationship. Both times I returned, but it was more attributed to the fact that I wasn't ready to leave my children yet.

I knew the way the new laws had been written, observing other people going through divorce, and her mindset, she would use the access to my children as a weapon for control, punishment, and revenge. The system would empower her and support her in this effort of "judicial kidnapping". In return she would "prostitute" herself as their "poster child" and my children would be used as the "justification" for their actions. They would get nothing in return except heartache, bitterness, broken parent/child bonds, and emotionally/mentally injured until they were fortunate enough to get help to work through the issues.

Currently, my insurance covered counseling, but my soon to be ex-wife refused to have the "stigma" of "her" (not our) children in counseling. She was a psychology major and could "handle" all our children's needs - never mind she had serious needs of her own.

I had used the tables provided by the court and had calculated the amount of child support that would be ordered. It would be a couple of months before we got to our first hearing so I added $300-400 to the calculated amount, paid everyone's health, dental, and vision expenses, all deductibles and non-covered expenses, and of course all the "extra" last minute that children seem to come up with.

We would have to sell the house even though I offered to sign my portion over to her. With her current job, she couldn't qualify for the loan unless she had her mother cosign with her - something she didn't want to "bother" her mother with. That's an issue we'd address later this month.

Later that evening I moved the last load of everything into our "new" home. I was tired and hungry so the dogs and I went to get something to eat. I'd go shopping tomorrow. I have another meeting with my lawyer Friday and I'm suppose to talk with my spouse Friday evening to work some more issues out and set up a time to have the children over for some overnight visitations. They wanted to come up to the campground and spend a few nights with me, but mom didn't like that idea - it might be fun and forbid they have a relationship with dad. This had been the status quo for years - She viewed parenting as a "popularity/control" contest. She wanted all the control and popularity, and did all she could to interfere with my relationship with our sons. In her opinion I was suppose to work and earn the money and she was suppose to control everything.

Each week in April I had at least two meetings a week with the lawyer. He was burning through the retainer and wanted more money. The only thing he had done was file the divorce and required paperwork, served the divorce papers on my soon to be ex-wife, and rehashed the same issues at each meeting. I now had moved him to a once a week meeting at most. I just got his first bill and he has charged me for paper clips, pencils, copies, time on the phone, and other frivolous charges.

One charge he has repeatedly made is for his time on the phone. He would call and leave a voice mail with a question that was already in a file I had left that he didn't want to open or he had taken down in his notes during a conference. Sometimes he would ask the same question multiple times. Each time he would charge me for 15 minutes of time even though the total time was less than 3 minutes.

When we meet Friday he will be backing out the charges and ONLY charge for "legitimate" charges. Also, I will be dropping copy paper, paper clips, staples, pencils, tape, and other items off. It is cheaper for me to provide them than to get hit with his inflated charges.

Every time we meet I wipe the smile off his face when he asks if my wife has a lawyer. I found out later that lawyers aren't happy if they aren't sucking money out of their clients. The best way to do that is another lawyer to fight with. A divorce is already a highly charged situation and the system just makes it worse with the current processes in order to justify their existence and secure their incomes and positions.

Many people think the "injustice" system is about truth, justice, fairness, application of the law, etc. What I was discovering is that its just a "system" for making money and creating employment - its a very broken system if it's measured in actual "service and deliverables" to the clients.

If we are truly interested in a "system" that works better than what is currently in place, the courts and lawyers should be the last groups involved in the last phases of the divorce process and only have proportional involvement according to the needs of the situation.

Our system of "injustice" has its roots in the British, "adversarial" design that requires that one side is a winner and the other a loser. The premise is the strongest side (assumed to be the good/right/truth) will be the victor. In a divorce everyone is a loser, but in the current legal environment the dad has already been the "designated big loser". The determination that has yet to be made by the court is how much (usually everything) and for how long (the rest of your life if they can).

I'm having a hard time understanding why the counselor thinks this is a good path, but staying in this toxic relationship is not a good choice ether. It's a dark road, but I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel - or is that the "deadbeat express" coming down the track driven by my soon to be ex-wife?

What Is That Light At The End Of The Tunnel - Hope OR Something Else??

ARTICLES:

Devastated By Divorce Court

Kids Hard Hit In Nasty Divorce

Divorced Dads Can't Catch a Break

UnFamily Law 101 - 4/1/96

As it turns out, my children didn't want me to take all the animals so I left our cat for them. They had grown very attached to our Shelties, but I had caught my soon to be ex-wife physically abusing them and had warned her the next time I would file a complaint with the police for animal cruelty. She hated dogs worse than cats, but for the most part our cat stayed out of the way in the children's room when he was inside and spent part of his time outside. With the children so protective of him it seemed he would be safer than the dogs.

It started out as a turbulent, hectic morning with more degrading, threatening calls from my soon to be ex-wife on my voice mail.  I have taken most of the week off to take care of legal matters and try to get things settled down as much as possible.  I'm on the way to see the lawyer for the first in person conference.  I had to leave my dogs in the cabin, but they're housebroken and I left paper in the corner if they need to go.  They sensed the tension and unhappiness and tried to comfort me with understanding thoughts and stares through the night and this morning.  I didn't sleep well in spite of the peaceful location in the mountains.

I had researched the matter and after a discussion with my spouse thought I had her agreement to a non-contested divorce using one lawyer to take care of the legal paperwork and advise us of any details that needed our attention.  If this could remain uncontested we could complete the divorce after the 90 day waiting period and then all of us could move past this turbulent time into a period of healing and rebuilding our new lives.  According to the counselors, this was the best path for all of us, especially the children.  According to my personal experience with this as a young preteen it was a very traumatic experience.  I was sure with the support of both parents and help from counselors we could eventually help our children through these tough times.

Then came the reality check at the lawyer's office.  These pictures capture the events that unfolded during my first visit and only got worse as the years progressed.

A host of new laws had been introduced by special interest groups from all types of supporters and were still being defined concerning divorce and child support.  All the laws claimed to "put the children first".  For more than 14 years I've heard this mantra from the supporters and benefactors of the perverse UnFamily court, the lawyers in the system, Support Enforcement, and those that sacrifice their children to the system as an offering to be accepted into the "guild of thieves, liars, and hypocrites".  What I've learned is that "justice" is truly "blind" - It turns a blind eye to the violations of the law by the judges, lawyers, Support Enforcement, special interest groups, and the patrons (usually the mothers) that sell their "soul" and "sacrifice" their children in exchange for a "drink" from the foul cup of extortion, slavery, impoverishment, wrongful conviction of "crimes" not committed, slander and liable, judicial kidnapping, imposition of an unreasonable sentences, and if there is a second family the passing of the same punishment on them.

The main benefactors are the system, gaining tax dollars (funds) to expand their "domain" and power, the companies servicing the Support Enforcement contracts (you didn't think those were state workers did you? - NO! They're a contracted collection agency - PSI being the largest), and of course the custodial parent which in the large majority of the cases is mom.  Forbid Dad is qualified or given custody - he's just not equipped according to the "experts" and special interest groups.

I had created what seemed to be an objective proposal to cover all the areas - separation of property, visitation and parental responsibilities, child support, medical and dental support, possible maintenance although I was more in favor of paying more to child support, support of counseling for all parties, disposal of our house and the redistribution of any profits - most of it going to my spouse to help house our children, and a whole host of other items.  The lawyer looked the proposal over and just laughed.

"You truly don't have a clue about this do you".  Red flags went up, I didn't like the sound of that.  I asked him to explain, but first he wanted the name of my spouse's lawyer.  "She doesn't have one", I replied as more red flags went up.  I was getting a very bad feeling about the situation.  My lawyer perked up when he heard my response and said, "we should strike quickly before she gets one!".  I stopped him in his tracks and explained she doesn't need one and this is to be a non-contested divorce.  We just needed him to take care of the legal paperwork, review our proposals we would submit to the court for items the court may disagree with and alter, and to guide us through the process.  He was not to speak directly to my spouse, I would be the mediator with all issues - I didn't want an "incident" because of something he said.  The situation was already volatile enough and I didn't need a third party screwing things up.

I had dampened his "spirit" with setting the terms and conditions.  Not giving up, my lawyer told me, "look, this is a time of temporary insanity.  I'm here to help you through this time so just leave everything up to me, trust me, and I'll get you through this!".  Right, right, I thought - just trust this lawyer with my life and my family - that's a no brainer.  Snapping back I told him, "I take care of myself and I certainly wouldn't trust a lawyer with my life and future WITHOUT my close supervision.  I'm the paying customer here and I'm telling you what services I want.  If you can't or are unwilling to provide them I will go elsewhere."

Taken aback, my lawyer told me, "nobody has talked to me like that!  I have the legal training and know the law, but if you insist I'll honor your request.  Here's a list of items I need for our next meeting in two days to complete the initial paperwork and calculations.  See my receptionist to make an appointment."  I looked at the two page list and thought maybe I should take the entire week off.  I'm going to have to dig through all the boxes in my storage shed to find these.  As I left, my lawyer told me to think about what he said and perhaps I would see things differently next time.  I set my next appointment and stopped by my storage shed.  Fours hours later I emerged with all the required paperwork and locked the door.

I was hungry, maybe some Popeye's chicken would hit the spot.  It was getting late and I had a 45 minute drive back to the cabin.  My pager went off letting me know I had gotten another voicemail.  I was around the corner from work, maybe I could sneak in and check my messages undetected - I was detected and got hung up with more messages from my soon to be ex-wife and questions from some co-workers.

Finally, I got out of work and headed to the cabin without my Popeye's - I'd eat some food at the cabin.  The dogs had been cooped up for almost 8 hours.  I envisioned dog pee and poop all over the cabin.  I had left water and dry food in their bowls.  I was suppose to have time off to recompose myself and regroup - things just weren't turning out "right".

It was dark and cold when I arrived at the cabin.  When I had left, my dogs were on my winter sleeping bag on the bed.  I opened the door to the cabin and found them hiding under the bed - something they did when they were in trouble or had done something they knew they weren't suppose to do.  I figured they had relieved themselves in the cabin.  I took them out and apologized to them for being so long.  When they were done, we went in and ate.  I looked all over the cabin and didn't find one drop of pee or dog poop.  I couldn't figure out why they were acting so "guilty".

We spent a little time in front of the fire "talking" and enjoying our time together.  I was tired and ready for bed.  I opened the sleeping bag and found dog poop on my pillow.  I noticed the bottom of my sleeping bag was soaked with dog pee.  I looked at my dogs and they hung their guilty heads down, bodies shaking.  I laughed at the message - they were "pissed off" that I took so long and weren't going to take this "sh*t" any more.  I got the message and promised I wouldn't do it again.  I set the bag aside, stoked up the fire and dug out some blankets.  We all drifted off to sleep watching the flames dancing on the wall.

My lawyer on that rare occasion had spoken words of truth, I truly didn't have a clue about the situation, issues, special interests, or the destructive path that we had taken.  Looking back, as damaging as the act is to all parties to break up a family, the corrupt and perverse system reeks more total chaos, havoc, destruction, horrors, and cataclysmic destruction than the act of the break up.  Worse yet, the system is set up as a "profit" center for this most darkest events to happen in your life and does so for the rest of your life.

ARTICLES:

Stealing The Minds of Our Children

Why is Daddy in Jail?

Man Jailed For Not Supporting Child That Wasn't His

Terms of Estrangement

Georgia Child Support Unconstitutional

Tennessee Child Support Unconstitutional

Journey of a Thousand Miles - 3/1/96

I have recovered from my "illness" and have returned back to work with the help of my doctor.  At first, the doctor wanted to hospitalize me under protective custody to allow for my recovery.  I'm not fond of doctors or hospitals and have always taken care of the majority of my medical needs myself during my life so I declined.  Worried about my "life expectancy" when I returned home he told me that for the next 3-5 days while I was in the critical stage of recovery he was going to call every two hours and had to speak with me.  It couldn't be the wife or the children it had to be me.  If he didn't or wasn't allowed to speak with me he was going to get a court order and with the police remove me from the situation and place me in protective custody in the hospital.  Much to the annoyance of my wife the doctor followed through with the calls.

Not only was she annoyed with the fact he called every two hours, but she was annoyed that someone else knew that our family had a problem. There goes the image she worked so hard to portray - Happy Family, All is Fantastic, Couldn't Be Better!  Throughout the years of counseling she could never admit or face the truth that we had serious, but possibly resolvable issues with our relationship, our family and ourselves.

Still to this day, she ignores these problems and displays many symptoms of multiple, serious mental and emotional disorders that have impeded any positive resolution to anything.  Worst of all, this avenue of denial has caused extensive and serious emotional and mental damage to our children.

In addition to the doctor calling, my parents had tried to reach me for over three weeks during the critical time of my "illness".  Being unable to reach me at work or home they grew very concerned that something serious was happening.  When we did finally speak they told me they were at the point of having the police check up on me since they knew how critically unstable things were at home.  I had spoken to my manager and a few co-workers a couple of times during my "illness", but everything was foggy and still is today.

Before I literally crawled into the doctor's office, things were so blurry I thought I had only been "sick" a few days - I was shocked to discover it had been three weeks.  The only thing I remember about that time was endless pain and suffering and only being able to sleep about five minutes at a time because of the pain.  I usually only get ill about once every ten years and then it's intense for a day or two. After I recover, I'm good for another ten years.  The other thing about the entire experience that has been etched in my very being is my experience with death - twice in two days - that's for another blog.

I don't claim to have conquered all my issues, but I have worked progressively since I sought help in 1993 to understand, acknowledge, and resolve my issues.  It's not easy and many times a struggle just to admit and face some of the darker issues, but only then can you move forward in the chosen direction to overcome the issues.  My ex-wife, still to this day, believes that she has no issues or problems - "it's everybody else that has the problem".  During one of our counseling sessions, she stood up, pointing her finger at me, and declared that, "she was just here to support me and that she didn't have any problems."

Shortly after that session, when the counselor was getting too close to her "deep dark secrets", she aborted any further sessions as she had done with two other counselors over the past couple of years.  Not long after that, she decided that I was an "issue" that needed to be "resolved", thus my "illness" manifested itself.  By "resolving" the "issue" she would gain total control of all the money, property, and children.  I would no longer hamper her lifestyle and her worship of her Gods - money, power, control, social status, and image. 

As one counselor advised, "One person can only resolve their issues, it will take both spouses and the entire family to resolve all the issues.  The first positive step to resolving any issue is to honestly acknowledge its existence and understand the role each of you contribute to the issue.  Until this happens the issue will remain unresolved."  Looking back it seems to be an obvious statement.

It was Friday and one of my few close friends invited me to lunch.  She and her husband had also been concerned that I had been out of touch for so long.  They too had knowledge of my volatile home environment and knew something must be seriously wrong.  As we caught up and discussed the situation my friend offered one of their rental homes that would be available in May as a place of refuge and a new beginning.  I accepted the offer, but I had to figure out what I was going to do until then.  I no longer felt safe when I went home and I spent as little time as possible there or at least in the presence of my soon to be ex-wife.  I refused to sleep in the same room with her and anytime I did sleep I had a handgun and a knife within reach or in my hand.  Luckily, I'm a very light sleeper and can instantly go from a deep sleep to an fully awake, alert, and standing position.

If I was a woman I could always go to the shelter and there were many agencies dedicated to helping women out of dangerous situations at home, but if you are a man there is nothing.  Just trying to get the police and courts to provide you a measure of protection against a woman, especially a wife and mother.  Even fresh from a "near death" incident with documentation it is next to impossible.  In some states, it's not even possible because they don't view women as being able to commit violent crimes or felonies - that's the domain of a man.

This was not the first time I had decided to leave.  I had started this long journey twice in 1995 only to have my soon to be ex-wife decide I was serious.  Using her chameleon wiles and her knowledge of my psyche, she played upon the rampant emotions of having to leave my home and children to coax me to abandon my journey and return to my "loving family".  She employed the children as the porters to help pack and carry my "bags" for an emotional guilt trip.  I was not prepared enough to take this journey, so under the positive promises of my soon to be ex-wife and the long faces and guilt laden, manipulative remarks that had been provided to my children by their mother, I was unable to leave.

This was a path our family needed to take, a path of separation and the establishment of new lives to end the toxic relationships that existed in our family.  From the counselors evaluations, since my soon to be ex-wife was unwilling to work through any of the issues much less acknowledge them, the ONLY choice we had was to go our separate ways and establish our new lives and households.  Down this path we could all heal and move forward past this painful part of our lives.  Our last counselor, the one that had predicted my death if I didn't take a different path, told us that in his 18 years of practice ours was the "most toxic relationship he had ever seen".

Over the weekend I looked for solutions for temporary housing in the form of a camping trailer and found one.  Early the next week I found that the company I worked for had cabins in the nearby mountains  Employees could use the cabins for up to two weeks a year and the campground could be used all year with a self-contained trailer.  The property was located above 10,000 feet and the Spring snow was still falling - that might be an issue.  Even though the cabins and campgrounds had no running water or power at the sites it was at least a backup plan in case things got really bad at home.  I also had to make plans for my best friends and companions - my two shelties and our cat.  My soon to be ex-wife hated all animals except pigeons.

As expected, she caught wind of my preparations and an intense conflict ensued that lasted many days.  Finally, she left a note one day telling me I could have the house while she and the children would find another place to live.  If I could "manage" to give her $1200 per month they would get by.  I didn't respond to the note and over the next week she tried to alter my course with specially prepared "bags" for my next guilt trip presented with "love" from my children.  If I followed the "string" I would find the "biggest" one that would be presented by my soon to be ex-wife.

What she didn't realize was that I had a support group of friends, family, and a counselor.  I also had tremendous motivation provided my recent experience with a death she invoked and the realization that after sixteen years of doing all I could, giving my all, tolerating endless mental, emotional, and physical abuse, that NO MATTER how much I did or gave it would NEVER be enough and she would NEVER be happy or satisfied.  One of the "pieces" of the puzzle I was given helped me to understand that first one has to be happy and content with one's self and nothing external could create this state.  It was something each of us has to discover and gain.

Another puzzle "piece" was to understand how emotionally handicapped we all are in our society.  We are born into a needy, incomplete society - it's transmuted to us from birth until death unless we overcome the handicap.  It's in our culture, stories, songs, advertising, psyche, news, conversations, paintings - everywhere!  We hear of someone making someone else complete - "lost without your love", people being alone and lonely, etc.  A person should be complete, satisfied, and a full person BEFORE they even think of entering into a relationship and altering another's life much less bringing children into the world and screwing up their lives.

I heard all sorts of BS growing up - "love will conquer all", "opposites attract", "make love, not war", "God can overcome all", "If you love each other then nothing else matters", etc.  It really gets down to a person having to understand themselves and reaching a balance in all things that they are comfortable with.  No ubiquitous, meaningless phrase is going to compensate the hollowness and neediness a person feels when they have not looked at themselves in critically objective manner and taken the journey to discover who they are and what they are.  With that knowledge they can set the next journey to where they want to be.  Some of these journeys take a lifetime.  When a person decides to journey with another it should be an effortless, burdenless one that doesn't take from ether companion, but it enhances each companion. 

With the current conflict reaching new levels of hostilities, my counselor and lawyer both encouraged me to move to a safe place.  Finally, the first of April I was able to secure a cabin for two weeks and I would spend the remaining weeks in the campground in the tent trailer.  Still, the Spring snows were falling and the temperatures at the site were in the low to mid-twenties.  I had secured a storage unit, paid for a room and meals for the weekend for my soon to be ex-wife and children.  I didn't want my children to have to endure the sight of their father packing up to leave and my soon to be ex-wife to interfere with my efforts to leave.  Still to this day, the most heart breaking memory I have was my youngest walking home from school, seeing me getting ready to move and screaming all the way to the house "NO! NO! NO! You can't leave again! Please don't leave again!"  He ran up to his room crying and of course this only raised the tensions between my soon to be ex-wife and I.  Playing up on the young one's dilemma she proceeded to create a very hostile scene.  Of course all the other children were upset.  I was almost at the point of my resolve melting away and accepting if I stayed I would face and embrace death again - this time not to return.  When I got my spouse calmed down enough I asked if she would take the children to dinner and check into the hotel tonight instead of the next day to help us all through this tough time.  She surprisingly agreed.

Saturday started out cloudy with the promise of snow.  Later in the day the large fluffy flakes fell slowly at first, then by evening they had gained tremendous momentum thanks to the wind that had arrived.  I stopped later that night and resolved to get up early Sunday and finish getting out.  I calculated I had only a few more trips and my soon to be ex-wife and the children were due back in the early afternoon.  The snow that had fallen during the night and that continued to fall during the morning hampered my efforts to complete the move, but I persisted.  I got the last load in the truck as the final hour approached to be out and left.  I still needed to grocery shop and purchase basics like eating utensils, plates, and cups.  After a stop by Albertsons and Wal-Mart I stopped by work to check my messages. Only a pay phone at the store five miles away was available at the cabin, but I had a company issued pager to notify me of messages.

I got my first of many degrading and threatening calls from my soon to be ex-wife accusing me of stealing money and other items that were hers.  When I spoke with her, it turned out she had put the money and items at a location she had forgotten about.  She had a habit of hiding and hording money.  In her neurotic insecurities, she would periodically move what ever she was hiding and later forget where she had put it. Furious, assuming I had found her hoard and stolen it, she would launch into one of her maelstroms that I had to weather.  Once I calmed her enough I would help her retrace her steps and locate the missing hoard.  We would have another round about why she was hoarding and hiding money - especially since she had access to all the money since she took care of the finances.  I was just a "walking paycheck" that earned the money.

With these issues resolved my dogs and I traveled to the cabin, ate dinner, and went to bed.  Tomorrow I would have another visit with the lawyer to have the divorce papers served and work out the draft proposal for the separation of property, visitation, custody, and other matters.  In taking this path I had no clue this journey would take me through the most heart breaking, turbulent, dangerous, degrading, and financially destructive journey a person could ever experience.  The greatest trauma would be caused by the process and system when it empowered my soon to be ex-wife to allow her to kidnap my children, obliterate my parent-child bond, and allowed her to alienate my children.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step - Confucius

Men's Health - In Defense of Deadbeat Dads

Deadbeat Dads Go to Prison